Frustration and all that it brings back to life...feeling like a failure

So the past few days have been very 'trying' for me....trying to retain my positive attitude, thus bringing good into my future. Trying to motivate my children to take their responsibilities seriously. Trying to live with a consistently negative man. Trying to continue the search for my son. As I said...it's been a very "trying" few days.

It still amazes me how much old emotion remains buried deep within until something triggers the memory and then WHAM! it's back at the surface. I've worked really hard over the last 7 years to let go of the past and look forward to the future while enjoying each and every moment of the present. Why is it that, sometimes, I feel like the whole world is out to push my (proverbial) buttons just to see how far I can be stretched before finally snapping? I believe that what we put forth in this world comes back to us ten-fold. I believe that the more we give out, the more we receive and I try to live every day with that as my primary motivation. I know that in order for us to know what we DO want there has to be some contrast of what we DON'T want so that we can tell the difference, but when is enough enough????

I wrote a letter last night to help out someone whom I barely know but who owns a piece of my heart because of his adoption situation. Writing that letter brought up soooooo many emotions that I thought I had 'dealt with.' I know that what's meant to be will be. I have drawn my son to me over and over again; done the affirmations. Played different scenarios over and over again in my head in preparation of that very special day. Preparing myself as best I can and working hard to stay positive.

I have been unemployed since April of 2008. Our savings is now non-existent. Gone. Used to pay bills and take care of the kids. The holidays are coming. Again, trying to stay positive. I have applied for well over 300 jobs since being unemployed - without success. Ahhhhh, rejected again, and again, and again, and again. Does that little (adopted) girl inside me take the random, anonymous rejection personally? I'm starting to think so. I find myself thinking "what's wrong with me? Why can't I get a job?" The Life Coach in me says that the Universe is aligning things to allow me to become an independent, successful personal life coach; however, the abandoned little girl AND the sad, depressed and angry first mom says "nope, it's ALL you. You don't DESERVE good." So now it's my job to help that little girl and that sad first mom to quiet down and learn to love themselves as life coach Melanee loves herself.......but first I need to figure out how to do that.

No, I don't have 'multiple personality disorder.' No, I'm not 'bi-polar.' I'm just like everyone else out there that's struggling with the state of our lives in this country. I don't want to be a statistic and I believe, with all of my heart, that there IS a very bright light at the end of the tunnel. Hell, I can see it, still. My goal is to put on some really comfortable shoes and make my way through that tunnel until I'm basking in the bright, warm, white light that shines at the other end. I've been walking for a REALLY long time....I just wonder how much further till the end....I'm more than ready.

Love to you all.

A life-stopping moment...

So I went to see my youngest daughter's Spring concert this-morning (which was LOVELY.) I dropped her off in her classroom and hung out there for a while then followed them to the performance center, wished her luck and went to stand in line and wait for the doors to open. In front of me were two women; one had a stroller with a very young baby inside. I looked down at this child's face and felt INSTANTLY connected to him but had no idea as to why...there was something in his eyes that grabbed a hold of me and wouldn't let go. I"m standing there, stunned at my inner-most feelings, with the world stopped around me fighting the urge to cry....for a moment it was only me and that beautiful little boy. Odd, I thought, hmmm, a stranger's baby and here I am, ready to cry and don't understand why. I notice the conversation.....it's the woman pushing the stroller talking to the other woman....she's speaking about 'his' adoption.....and his 'birth mother'.....and how this woman standing in front of me wants to keep the adoption 'as open as possible' but that the first mom doesn't appear to be interested...then they're talking about grandparent's rights and whether or not 'her' *the first mom's* parents can win rights...and, again, I'm stunned. THAT'S the connection!!! My heart broke as I watched the woman in front of me push a bottle into that beautiful, fussy little baby's face as she continues to talk! He's 3 months old (yes, I had asked)!!! He needs eye-to-eye contact and a physical connection when he's being fed...not to be laid in a stroller and have a bottle shoved in his face! So he starts to cough and she pulls the bottle out. She tells him that he's drinking too fast and places it back into his mouth; the other woman suggests that perhaps the milk is 'too warm' and their conversation continued. Inside the performance center, he was very, very fussy.....and I understood why.

I wanted to scoop him up and love him like he was my own. I thought 'is that how MY son had been raised?' Did they have no idea of the Primal Wound and how it affects these babies? He was 3 months old! Something in his soul spoke to mine; strange as it sounds, that' s what it felt like. My heart was broken for him; he's looking for someone that's not there and will not be coming. The a/parent seemed dis-connected from him, as if he was just a distraction or something.

I listened to their conversation without wanting to; they were, literally, RIGHT in front of me, facing one another, talking. Both experts on adoption, of course. My gut reaction was, honestly, to take that little boy and run with him...anywhere....and keep him there until his new mother could do some research and actually discover what this little, tiny baby really needs so that he can grow up and feel loved and connected and not unwanted and unloved, like the majority of us did.

It was a life-stopping moment. When I first looked down at him he took my breath away. As if he COULD actually see me. His soul searching mine...for understanding, maybe? My heart broke for him and I didn't quite understand why....then I heard the words 'his adoption' and knew......he's just like me.

The other side of adoption

So, most of you know that I am not only a first mom looking for her son but also an adoptee searching for her paternal biologic connection. Well, back in February I successfully (with the help of my search angel) found my half-brother; she found a FB profile with a name similar to what I had been told by my first mother and voila! It was him. He acknowledged that he was my bio father's son and we emailed, through FB, several times. Upon asking me for some identifying information (to which I had answered correctly) he asked me for 'some time to digest' what I had just told him. I have not heard from him again.

Now, I did NOT divulge the fact that I had talked to his (our) father back in 1996, while pregnant with my eldest daughter; I had pressured my f/m to get me his contact info as some of the prenatal testing came back questionable and they NEEDED answers and needed them fast. She, apparently, had continued sleeping with this very-married man over the years since my birth and relinquishment and knew just how to find him at his work, as an engineer at Chrysler. I called; got a voice mail and left the following message "Hi, my name is Melanee and I understand that I have questions that only you can answer" and left my number. Within 10 minutes my phone rang; it was him. When I answered the phone he stated "This is Ron Huff'. What can I do to help?" I proceeded to tell him who I was and that I understood that he was the donor to the other half of my gene pool to which he replied "Who's your mother?" and when I told him, his EXACT words were "I'm not going to dispute that. What can I do for you?" I almost fell off the chair! I told him that I needed medical background information due to questionable prenatal testing and he proceeded to give me the information that I needed. When he finished I asked him if we could meet one day...his response was "My wife and children do not know that you exist and I plan to keep it that way. Good bye." And, that was it!

The reason I kept this from my bio-brother was that I didn't want to say anything negative about his (our) father. Didn't help.

So, why am I this big, dark secret? Why don't my bio-half bro and my bio-half sister want to meet me or, at least, communicate with me? Don't THEY have the same intellectual curiosity about me that I have about them?? Do we look alike? Are our personality traits similar? Do they see me as a threat of some sort?

So, the angry part of me wants to find my bio-dad and, when he dies, go after part of the estate as his child. Well! I AM his child!!! He even went so far as to send someone else in for the blood test back in 1966. And, I have the adoption papers stating that, in 1972, when my adoption was finalized, they had notified him and he never even responded. What kind of man does that? And then for my bio mom to keep meeting up with him whenever she could to sleep with him as a mistress??? OMG!! They had had a child (ME!!) together that neither of them were raising...didn't the ever think of that?

Ok, so the not-so-angry part of me would love nothing more than to know my half-siblings and to have my children know their bio relatives. Is that really such a bad thing? Really? As an adult, why should I have to wear this veil of secrecy? Why should I have to remain in the shadows? Don't I have the right to know my family? Why doesn't he (my bio brother) feel the same?

I can understand that he's shocked that his father lied to his family about me...that part I get....but, why wouldn't HE be curious about ME??? I'm guessing that he confronted his father and it was denied yet again; however, I'd be willing to bet that seeing my face would tell him the truth about who supplied the 2nd half of my gene pool...without a doubt.

So, where do I go from here? Knowing that my bio dad doesn't want his 'dirty little secret' to get out just makes me more determined to do just that! I'm 43 years old...I'm not going to be anybody's 'dirty little secret' anymore!

It's been a while.....

Well, it's been well over a month since I had the urge to sit and write....avoidance, perhaps? Maybe it's the mood, but I read a comment on a FB post that lit me up a bit and that, my blog-reading friends, is what brought me back to this place.

In this comment a person mentioned the lack of a 'maternal instinct' in 'some' birthmothers; which made me a little irate. On a personal note, I believe that it is that very instinct that allows us to be duped into believing that handing our child over to random strangers was the 'right' thing to do because of our personal circumstances at the time of our child's birth (and yes, they still ARE our children...just because they're taken away from us doesn't automatically change our parental status). Now, that being said, I know that there are others out there whom want no contact with their children due to their lack of self-acceptance of their situations and choices (and I believe that that's ALL it is)....but to the vast majority of those that I know and have met throughout the search for my son feel the same way I do....we loved our children.

Those adoptees that were told horrid stories of how they were 'rescued' from these horrible, unwanting human incubators are the *former* children that should be used as THE example of how this system (of lies) of adoption fails us all. Let's see...adoptive parents pay some agency to find them a baby.....do they prepare them for the repercussions of the 'primal wound' and how to handle the separation from it's biological provider? No. Do they match the prospective parents to the prospective baby? No. First come, first serve. Ahhhh, just like at McDonalds, right? THEN these parents that just 'wanted a baby'...not MY baby, but A baby...can (and most will) tell these children about how they were rescued and kept because of the horrible beast of a birth mother (notice that rarely are the bio dads ever even mentioned) and that they saved them from a horrible life.....'you should be grateful to us for taking you'.....and don't argue with me...please. Lest you forget, I am an adoptee, too. I have other adult adoptee friends and for the majority of us, it's the story we've all been told.

Fast forward to some LUCKY birth parents that have the blessing of finally finding their child (I wish I was one of them) and this child, although there's a natural, intellectual curiosity about where and whom they came from, refuses to 'hurt' their adoptive parents by reaching out (instinctually) and grasping on to their live-givers in order to learn and understand more about whom THEY are as individuals, and they let the birth parent (that not only CHOSE to give them the gift of life but then painfully searched for them until they found them) stay in the dark shadows......how dreadfully sad.

Just this past Friday, after picking up my 9-year-old daughter after school, she tells me that one of the students in her classroom has been removed and placed into another class for telling a fellow student that, because she didn't look like her parents, that she felt that the other little girl had been adopted. Crying the (adopted) little girl calls her mom and asks her if she's adopted...there's no answer. The next day (Friday) the teacher has a 'meeting' with the kids in the class telling them that the (adopted) girl will not be in but that when she returns that it's not to be discussed. Why? There should be more understanding....from all sides.

Do you see the damage that has been done to that little girl by keeping 'the secret' from her? Why was it kept from her? Why is adoption treated, even to this day, like a dark, horrible secret? It breaks my heart. I guarantee, even with counseling for years, her life will NEVER be the same.

Birth mothers are NOT monsters that live in sewer pipes. Birth mothers are NOT uncaring human incubators. Birth mothers are NOT evil whores that 'threw' our 'babies out with the bathwater.' Birth mothers are MOTHERS, the FIRST mothers of those adopted babies and all the secrets and lies are NEVER gonna change that....and I think that alone threatens a lot of infertile adoptive parents because we did what they couldn't....and that's get pregnant, feel that child grow inside us, care for it, feed it, talk to it and love it. Many of you won't like my words, but right now I'm not liking the words of some folks, myself. Thanks for reading my blog.

Love, peace and harmony to us all.

Happy Birthday to my son....another year has passed.

27 years and 11 hours ago I was in the nursery at West Penn Hospital, having been taken there by the charge nurse against the orders of my mother and the doctor, looking down at the face of my perfect little son. The head full of dark brown hair, the gray eyes that had already begun to darken, the perfect little face, hands and toes....it was the only chance I had to hold my son and to look into his eyes. I told him at that moment that I would find him one day...that nothing would stop me until I found him.

27 years and 11 hours ago my life changed, once again, permanently. Working hard, especially over the last 7 years or so, to change my life has been fruitful although is far from finished. I have 2 beautiful, amazing little girls whom I love more than life itself. I have a husband whom, for 10 years, has been tolerant, encouraging and (tries to be) understanding while standing next to me allowing me to grow and change. I like to refer my transformation over the last 7 years as my transference from the darkness into the light. I am now in the light and shine brightly while trying to share my light with anyone and everyone that crosses my path. My children share my light. I know that, somewhere, my son shares that same light. I often pray that we will be drawn to him BY that very light. My prayers have gone unanswered thus far.

Search angels have condemned me for wanting to pay Kinsolving to find my son, yet none of them have come forward with any rational ideas on how to search above and beyond what has been done up till now. Our website, www.findmyson.org, has been up and running since early last month, as requested by the newspaper reporter that suggested that it be mentioned in his article (but did not do so) has not received even ONE donation. I had really high hopes that the site would be a success and that those that could afford to donate would her our plea and help us find this man after 27 years.....but, again, I was mistaken.

As a first mom that's searching and continuously hits proverbial brick walls I often wonder why God continues to punish me....what have I done? Why am I forced to continue to carry this load? My life has changed so dramatically since I was a child....I stopped hating the world because of what happened to me....because 'they' took my son.....and started to forgive and release all of those negative, blocking thoughts and emotions...but here I am...here WE are...my family included here, still waiting for him to be found.

I am so grateful and happy for those that I've watched search and have found the missing loved one for whom they searched. I've felt the joy and emotional rush for those that have announced their connections. We would, so much, like to share OUR joy for finding the missing piece to our hearts. Perhaps my desperation has grown over the last 72 hours, arriving to the date of his birth. Perhaps the sadness has creep-ed back into my life temporarily because yet another year has passed. I know that I will never stop until we have found him; whether he wants to know us or not. At least my daughters will know if their brother exists.....as will I. This may sound strange to some of you without direct experience within this area but I love my son. I always have. I always will. There has not been ONE DAY that has passed in the last 27 years that I have not thought and wondered about his health, safety and well being. I am a mom. I am a first mom. I am HIS mom....no piece of paper could ever change that.

The seas have calmed.

So it's been a couple of weeks of finding our center so this, too, could pass. I'm disgusted by the local media; no one wanted to publish the story about a con man working within the local community. Well, when something happens that's bad enough TO get the attention of the local media then we'll be right there, front and center, to let the community members know that it was the media that decided not to warn them of the sicko that was preying on folks in our community. We contacted every newspaper and news station within a 75 mile radius; no one cared. "Freedom of speech" my a*s!!!

Back to the search. No one's donated anything to our site...which surprises me....Casey Anthony gets donations to her prison commissary account every week AND SHE KILLED HER DAUGHTER!!! I guess that I, as a searching first mom, am not worthy enough because I haven't done anything illegal or because I'm not asking for money to buy bigger breasts...hmmmm. Society makes you wonder sometimes, doesn't it??

So there are a couple of new people helping me with my search now.....we've even gotten some information offered to us by a spiritual medium!! My kids are starting to heal and it's getting easier to bring up the subject of searching again.

One of the things that bothers me the most about all of this is that we, as first moms, are judged by those that don't even know who we are. We are hated by children that have never even known us because of lies told to them by 'others.' Why are we looked at, by the obvious majority, as 'monsters' that our children had to be 'rescued' from? Weren't we the ones that chose to carry these children to term without regard to what it would do to our psyches, bodies, reputations or social lives rather than to end the pregnancy??? Does that really sound like something a 'monster' would do? Why don't many people stop to wonder what it's done to us, as women, as human beings, to have these children taken away from us with no means of future contact? Do 'they' really believe that we 'forget' about these kids after they're taken away from us?

Now I know that there are women on the opposite end of the spectrum; those whom want to avoid any contact with their children. I can't even BEGIN to understand that state of mind. How unhealthy THAT must be. How badly I wish my son would come knocking on my door or call my phone.....only to hear that those children that have searched and found have been shut down by the very woman that gave them life. There's no way I'll ever understand that.

So we're off and searching again. Still shamefully begging for donations to www.findmyson.org. I won't stop searching until we find him. As long as there's breath in my body. Whomever you are...wherever you are.....my beautiful, wonderful son....I love you...I have since the day I realized you were growing inside me.

Down to the wire!!

So, tomorrow's the day....the reporter emailed confirmation that our story will be hitting the Worcester, Mass. Telegraph Gazette tomorrow! Once he emails us the link, I'll be contacting ALL local media..from Tampa to Key West, Orlando and Miami..anyone that'll hear us. I'm nervous, scared and exhilarated all at the same time. Nervous because I don't know what this sociopath is going to do once he gets wind that I'm the one that caught on to him (Not his "sis"!!!), scared because I'm putting my family 'out there' for another part of the US (to be judged) and exhilarated because I know that we're doing everything within our power to get this man's face plastered all over the media so that he'll be soooo recognizable that he won't be able to hurt anyone ever again!

Today, we sent an email to Governor Charlie Crist. We would like someone to answer as to why this man can pretend to be a 3-star brigadier general (with a fake military ID AND a phony press release announcing his promotion as such), which violates the "Stolen Valor Act of 2005" and no one really cares. Report after report after report to the FBI...nothing. Con after con after con...nothing. So we'll do our part. Let's see if we can make enough noise to finally be heard!!!

The search for my son has grown some more wings.....I have new angels.....and they are just that...angels. My cousin, Faith, has been a wonderful, new addition to this ongoing search. We are all rallying together and working as a team....talking, comparing notes...even though all of my notes have been lost to the computer monster....and he won't give them back! I had, however, emailed some of my search info to Faith...and she was kind enough to keep them....now I have some of that info back. My site, www.findmyson.org, should hit the main stream tomorrow...everyone please, PLEASE pray for site prosperity. Pray that donations will come so that we can allow Kinsolving to find my son....that all of the negativity that's hit my family (even from 'friendly fire') can be put behind us and we can begin the next chapter of our lives.

We're very excited at the prospect of this man getting caught. I'll be sure to post a link to the new newspaper article as soon as I can to the blog.

I want to thank all of you for taking the time to read my blog.....prayers are gratuitously accepted...especially at this moment in time. Good night all....see you tomorrow!!! YIKES!

The latest in...well, the drama that 'is'...

Since all of this stuff started last Tuesday, I have been verbally attacked by a few people based upon my decision to go 'public' with my story and to set up the donation web site...I've been called lazy, stupid and have been belittled for wanting to pay a 'blood sucker' that will (accusingly) use 'illegal' measures to help find my son. Let me tell anyone that may be interested here that absolutely NO ONE was crying foul when my son was taken from me and adopted ILLEGALLY. No one stood in the court room and called the adoptive parents, the doctor or the attorney 'blood suckers'...oh, that's right, they were baby-buyers. Furthermore, accusing a group of doing something illegal when you have no direct knowledge and/or proof of this accusation, to me, says that perhaps you're jealous of the work that they're capable of performing that you are not. And these are the people that come out of the proverbial woodwork when you join some of these sites to search. Now, don't get me wrong..there are wonderful people out there whom will jump right in and help...but beware of the control-freak type; they're the ones that are all sweet until you decide on a different direction...then the sweet demeanor disappears and the claws and teeth come out! Out goes the encouraging banter and in with the discouraging, accusatory, hateful banter. And I'm the one that's angry?!?!?!?!

It has been almost 9 years since my son turned 18 and I began this search....NINE YEARS!!! The ONLY information that I had were the facts that I could remember. I ordered the hospital records to see if I could begin there...I registered with state groups, country-wide groups...any place that would let me record my information and my desire to find my son and/or be found by him. I've done 'the work'......

All these people that call themselves 'angels' sure don't act like angels when you go against what THEY think you should do. I'm not here to be judged; I had enough of that in my childhood. Now I'm getting judged for taking a route other than what 'they' think I should? I'm here to find my son. That's it....TO FIND MY SON. Not to be insulted and belittled by ANYONE; especially those that pretend to be something that they are not.

Don't misinterpret what I'm saying here...there are many, many fellow adoptees and birth parents that I have met on this journey that I am proud to say are now friends...and I really, REALLY appreciate them and their input; however, I am an adult and will make my own decisions based upon what's best for both me and my family....not because someone thinks that I 'should.' Louise Hay said it best when she said that she would like the word 'should' removed from our vocabulary as it's used to assert guilt on its receiver.

The past seven days have been hell on me, my family and our close friends. I am just dumbfounded at those that have lashed out at me; both for wanting to hire Kinsolving to find my son and for setting up the donation site and telling my story!! Condemning me for not wanting to send out 2,983 letters to a random list of men born on my son's birth day (that was last updated in 2004) and then wait for, what you HOPE to be an honest answer? Really!?!?!? Being fed all this negative energy from those that are supposed to be supportive and positive?!?! To tell me that I 'should' be very careful so as to not come off as an 'angry' first mom?? Are you kidding me? I've had to hide my feelings FOR 27 YEARS!!! Damn right I'm angry!!! It's my right as a human being to be angry. If you don't agree with that, it's your prerogative; however, keep it to yourself. Look into the mirror and attack the person you're REALLY angry at. Stop projecting your anger towards me.

And you (you know who you are) call yourselves 'angels'.

Now that I've completed my venting on this issue here's the latest on the con man...the FBI, as you have probably read in my earlier blog post, has no interest in going after this man; however, my former boss is looking into some criminal charges against him. I, myself, have removed myself and my family from all of this continuing drama. The reporter will publish his article on what this man has done to me and my family in hopes that his face will be plastered all over the media both here and in Massachusetts. My goal in all this is, since the FBI won't touch him, that we get his face 'out there' so that anyone he comes into contact with in the future will know his face...and his name. Once the article is published I will post a link to my blog and to my Facebook profile for all to see...the more people that see his face and know his name, the better. I would not want this man's Karma for all the money in the world!!! I'll keep you all posted!

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog! (((HUGS)))

REPOST: Posted and removed Jan. 26, 2010

So here's my original blog that had been removed as per FBI request:

I can't believe I'm having to write this but here goes....I found out today that it was all a hoax. The man that claimed to have 'found' my son through "Homeland Security" is a con man. Has been for years and years according to reports from Massachusetts. This man went through this entire, elaborate scheme JUST to scam me and my family! He claimed to have 'inside connections' to Homeland Security and that's whom he claimed he was utilizing to get into the sealed adoption records. Wow! (I thought) after years of hitting dead ends we've finally found someone that could get us his name!!! Not only did he supply this set of 'Secure Documents" but also his name, his address, the types of vehicles he owned, his adoptive parents' names and that he worked for US Customs and Border Patrol in the Port of Los Angeles and had a level 2 security clearance and that the only criminal record he had was a DUI 4 months ago....BUT I couldn't try to contact him for several months because they'd KNOW that his "record" had been pulled by Homeland Security and, if I came 'up on the radar' within that time period that I could be arrested and held until I revealed my source; thus, causing several 'high security people' serious trouble. I bought it, ladies and gentlemen. Hook, line and sinker. EVERY BIT OF IT LIES!! How did we find out??

Along comes my wonderful search angel, Carol. She couldn't WAIT to get his contact info so that I could make contact with him; telling me that the line I was getting from 'him' was bogus and made no sense. After a few days of waiting for a picture from his "jacket" that was promised to me LAST week, I began to wonder. Last night, with Carol's encouragement and support, I called the apartment complex that he supposedly lived in; the woman in the renter's office had been there for 5 years and handled all leases and payments and said that no one by that name lived there, nor had anyone with that name lived there for, at least, the past five years. RED FLAG....DUH.

Today; called a couple of knowledgeable folks out there and got a contact number for the US Customs and Border Patrol office that handles the Port of Los Angeles ( and a WHOLE bunch of other ports of entry, too)....I spoke to a lovely lady whom was kind enough to check the data base for my sons 'name' and date of birth....she was sorry to tell me that no one with that name and date of birth was employed by US Customs and Border Patrol. RED FLAG AGAIN!! But, here' s trusting, desperate me...still wanting to believe the good in everyone....called a private detective that I had just met to explain to her what this man had given me, where the information reportedly came from, the explanations he had given me about not being able to contact my son, etc. She, not liking what she heard, offered to do a background search for me...and low and behold! All the info is right there, in google-land!! I, at this moment, and as of about 11:15 am EST, am covered in hives, have a horrible pounding headache, an upset stomach and other physical ailments that I don't like to have, let alone make you read about. Both of my children have tummy aches tonight, as well. I had no choice but to tell them that it was all a lie.

We have learned, just this afternoon, that this man has an EXTENSIVE con man history....starting up near Worcester, Mass and carrying on through FL. Not only conning people out of their money but also pretending to be a 3 star General from the Air Force, a former fighter pilot (he has a civilian pilot's license) to being retired from Blackwater and owning a castle in England that he inherited from a former multi-million dollar employer. Lying about things as simple as how his first wife died; telling us all that she had been involved in a car accident, treated at a local hospital and released, then falling down dead suddenly from an undetected brain bleed. Real story: she died of 'sudden respiratory failure of unknown cause'...are you thinking what I'm thinking??

Now I'm angry...we're all angry...but, worst of all, my 2 daughters are DEVASTATED. They thought that, after almost 9 years of searching, that we had finally found their brother. I think they were as excited as I was!!! Their hearts are broken. My heart is broken. Now comes the question WHY??????? He didn't (or at least hadn't up till now) ask me for any money. This was being done as a 'personal favor for his sis' (that's what he called me)...so no money needed. WHY??? What kind of MONSTER prays on a desperate birth mom and her family? What kind of MONSTER pretends to have 'inside connections' to sealed records KNOWING DAMN WELL THAT HE DID NOT!!!!????!!!!! Why would someone DO this to another human being??? If I could contain my anger, heart break and disgust near him I'd be almost curious to see how he was going to con his way out of this one! Our guess: he had told me just this past Monday that he had, once again, contacted his connection in Homeland Security to request my son's cell phone number and 'jacket' picture and that he, himself, was going to contact my son and fake an interview for a Blackwater job...he would then ask him a battery of personal questions that included whether my son had ever considered finding his birth mother. I FLIPPED out on him...telling him that he couldn't do that; he has NO KNOWLEDGE of either side of the adoption trauma and that, without knowledge, he could ruin ANY chance I had at meeting my son. This man then told me that he was going to do it with or without my blessing. So, the hunch is that he would have come to me and said that my son had no interest in me so as not to blow his con artist cover but still, in his eyes, look like the hero by being able to get information that no one else could get.

For those of you that know me personally, you know what an error it was for this man to mess with my family; especially the hearts, spirits and souls of my daughters. There are already things set in motion to see how this man's karma can come back at him 1,000 fold through legal and public entities; anyone that knows me knows just how resourceful I can be. But now there's been a multitude of search angels, 2 different private investigators and a multitude of supporters that I have met over the years of searching yet we still are NO closer to finding my son.

So what I'm doing is setting up a web site in order to accept monetary donations until I've reached my goal of $3,500. so that I can hire Kinsolving to find my son for me. They are the ONLY organization out there known to find the 'unfindable'. I have sent them an inquiry and they say that they can help me so I've gotta do it. But there's NO WAY we can afford their fee...it would take me another couple of years to save up that much money in this economy. I can't wait that long. My site is www.findmyson.org It will be up and running within the next 24-48 hours. Donations will be accepted by paypal at melanee.findmyson@gmail.com as well. If you know anyone that would help, PLEASE send them to either place...my heart can't take any more disappointment. Thank you all for reading my blog.

Now, there have been some changes since this blog originally hit the net.....the FBI decided NOT to pursue charges against this man; although he continues to pretend to be a 3-star general and carries a fake military ID (which is a blatant violation of the Stolen Valor Act of 2005) because he's deemed a 'white collar' criminal. After direct contact with various arms of law enforcement; from the FBI down to local police officers, it's acceptable to say that some people CAN get away with anything! There are 2 confirmed warrants for this man in Massachusetts; however, the state will not extradite him from Florida.

So what's another couple of days, right??

So here I am...Saturday night...football playoff games (Go Colts!!!) yet I have no interest in watching. Can't watch anything, really. Can't read either. Can't really concentrate on anything right now. For almost 27 years I have worried, prayed and thought about this young man (whom I can still clearly envision as I held him in my arms in the hospital)....so why is it SOOOO difficult to wait a couple more days??

The last four days have been very stressing; both from excitement and disappointment. Excitement to finally KNOW that he's still alive and (hopefully) doing well. Disappointment in all of those adults that were in my life, back then, that lied to me....lied about me. Now, whenever I close my eyes for more than a blink, I'm back in that hospital, with that doctor, in that delivery room...like it was only yesterday. Realizing that no matter how hard we try to forgive, to release, to move forward, it's always 'there'..in the back of your mind...waiting to JUMP OUT at you when the moment arrives to trigger all those memories that we thought we had 'put away.'

The lovely person that's helping me with this keeps telling me to 'stay calm'. I know it's difficult for anyone that hasn't lost a child to understand (and yes, it's losing a child) but the anticipation is suffocating. Knowing that I'm so close to finding out who my son is could be as close as tomorrow...how am I supposed to 'calm down?' If someone will explain it to me, I'd be happy to oblige by, at least, trying. Lest we forget all of the RAW emotion that is brought up by all of it. Yes, I'll do my best to 'calm down'....but try not to patronize me, either. My fuse is very, very short right now; very little sleep, trying to eat, upset tummy..and should I tell you about the nightmares that have come when I finally managed to fall asleep??? Yes, I'll do my best.

I know that his name is William and that he prefers to be called "Will." That's more honest information than I've had in just short of 27 years. I'm praying HARD that he's going to want to know us; me, his half-sisters, his family on our side....they are, after all, part of his heritage, too. I'm trying not to let negative thoughts in while trying to avoid being over-confident.

And talk about feeling alone?!?! My God, this is probably the loneliest I've felt since losing my son. This is the burden that I have to carry. Sometimes I just wish that there was someone to hold the other handle of the (proverbial) baggage because, right now, this is a very lonely, secluded road that I'm on....thank goodness I have a bright, white light leading me on my way! There is finally a light at the end of this tunnel....and I am beside myself with anticipation to reach that place where the light emanates from...ladies and gentlemen this is where one chapter of this life ends and another begins. Perhaps after all of this I will feel 'whole' again...that the part of me that has been missing for all these years will slide in to place....and my life will be complete...and those around me will have yet another family to love. Here's to hope!!!

HOLY CRAP is all that I can say...

So by now we all know that I could be within only 72 hours of finding my son....my mind is REELING....does he look like my family? Does he have my personality? Do my girls look like him? Will he want to talk to me? If not, will he want to know his half-sisters? OMG, my mind is a whirlwind. Anticipation is crazy; I've waited almost 27 years for this so why does the prospect of waiting 3 more days make me want to jump right out of my skin?!?!? All the memories...all of them...are rushing back...the few precious moments that I saw him in the hospital and was able to hold him; his (already darkening) eyes, his head full of dark, shiny hair, hearing him cry as the doctor removed him from the hospital as they were putting me in the car..... all those emotions...the hearing where they made me lie to the Judge - my panic at the realization that I couldn't stop them.....'they' were taking my son.

All of the first moms that I know, personally, share one common fantasy...that when we finally found our children that they come running to us with open arms; telling us that they've been waiting for us to find them....the proverbial 'happy ending' (as happy as all of this can be anyway). I am fully aware that not all children welcome their first moms into their existence; which, as an adoptee, I just can not understand. I can only imagine how my life would have been different if either birth parent had told me that I WAS wanted by either one of them. But, that's just me. I know how I felt when, the one time I had spoken to my birth father, he said that he 'wouldn't dispute' that he was the 'donor to the other half of my gene pool'......shocked, saddened...and that little girl that keeps popping her head out for some love was crushed. So the question I pose is "Why?" Why don't they want to know about their conception, birth, genetically-related families? Isn't there some sort of a natural, intellectual curiosity about where they came from, whom they resembled both physically and intellectually and any pertinent health issues that they may pass on to their own children? Have their adoptive parents told them 'stories' about their birth parents that make them want to shun us? Are they angry at us? If so, why??? Doesn't anyone tell them how difficult it is for us to try and find them?? Do they know that we have NO RIGHTS to them, whatsoever?? That some of us didn't 'give them away'??? Hasn't anyone ever told them that it's hell on us to not have our children? Hasn't anyone told them that we have nightmares about terrible things happening to them BECAUSE they were taken away? Don't they need to know that we are told that it's what's "best for the baby" to let them go to strangers...by the same people that told us that we should just 'forget about it'??? Do they know that we were lied to and manipulated and that we have to live with all of this for the rest of our lives???? Do they realize that some of us literally destroyed our bodies by carrying them and delivering them?? Stretch marks from neck-to-knees, mis-shapen breasts, scarring 'down there' from either tearing or episiotomy?? Does anyone tell them that (and I think I speak for the majority of us) not a day goes by that we don't think and worry about them? I know that each and every time I saw a baby, heard a baby cry or even laugh it broke my heart all over again. Now, keeping in mind that we're not allowed to ACT as if we're missing part of our soul...no, now that's just unacceptable. We have to 'go on with our lives and forget all about it." (Really?? I mean, REALLY???) If some adoptive parents really believe that we are these horrible monster-incubators that randomly conceived, bore then left a child then why do some of them feel so threatened when they discover that these 'monsters' are looking for their children? If they've 'saved' these children then there shouldn't be anything to fear, right? Maybe one should carefully choose the stories they tell to their non-biological children so that the possibility of the bereaved first mother finally finding them won't be so scary, huh? As an adoptee, I can speak for only myself, but believe that adoptive parents rarely think of what's best for the child...but we, as first moms, are told that it's all we're allowed to even consider.

Only another first mom can know how difficult it was for me to tell my children about my son. To explain to them that they have a brother out there, somewhere, that they have never seen nor heard about before that moment. To have to answer the questions that follow....see the tears, feel the anxiety about whether or not they'll ever meet the brother that shares their mom. Some of you women, whenever you go into a doctor's office and fill out the health forms, see the question "How many children do you have?" and never, ever even bat a (proverbial) eye at that question, do you? A first mom does. We KNOW that we should answer the question honestly (in my case, "3") BUT we stop and ponder our answer. Why, you ask? Because JUST BECAUSE our children were taken away from us doesn't discount the fact that we carried those children for 40 weeks, nourished them with our bodies, protected them with our bodies, felt them inside of our bodies and heard their little heart beating inside our bodies. No matter how they try to label us, we're still mothers. Lies, stories and manipulation can never change the fact that WE have a biological connection to our children and that, my friends, always, always, ALWAYS makes us a mom.

Thank you all for your suggestions!

First off, I'd like to thank all of you that have taken the time to read my blog and for the suggestions that followed. All suggestions received thus far have all been identical!! You all have suggested that I write to the "Find My Family" show to inquire about search assistance; however, I was one step ahead of you all...LOL...I had already printed out the app from their web site.

So here's the thing about "Find My Family"...their application is geared mostly towards adoptees. Now, there are other questions about whom you would like them to search for: high school sweethearts, military personnel, long-lost relatives, but this questionnaire is basically geared towards adoptees. The questions are about where you were born, whether or not you have a copy of your original birth certificate, what info you have on your b/parents including any non-identifying information....sadly, not one question about finding a son or daughter lost to adoption.

Now, I am painfully aware that there's another side of the adoption rights nightmare and that is those women that choose to hide from their children but, frankly, I choose not to give them anything other than one small paragraph in which to acknowledge that they do exist. You see, I can not blog about something that I have no personal knowledge of and about something that I could never understand. With everything that I went through to give my son the gift of life (and it is a gift if you consider the alternative) I have never, EVER looked at him as something to be ashamed of. It wasn't HIS fault, now was it? He didn't asked to be conceived, he didn't even ask to be born....he didn't have a voice...I was his voice and I wanted him to live. These women, whom I just can not even begin to understand, act as if these children that they carried and delivered are some type of monster that should be kept in hiding....I find that unconscionable. All the pain (phyiscal, emotional and mental) that I endured to allow my son a chance at life was worth every moment that (I pray) he's been alive. I feel that these children (and again, I remind you that I am one) have a right to know, and have access to, their medical 'blueprint.' I also feel that those that adopted them should have some type of mandated pre-adoption training that they, like all students, should be required to "pass" before being enabled to raise these children. Again, there has not been a single day in the last 26 + years that I have not thought and wondered about my son. To be so ill at heart as to not wonder about the child that you fed, nourished and carried within you boggles my mind.

And, I ask you to ponder this question...if we, as first moms, are such terrible, evil, unloving creatures on the planet why, then, are adoption records sealed? Why do you want to keep us, as first parents, such a secret from our biological children? If we were these horrible creatures that forced you to 'rescue' our children, why hide? Why lie to them? Why not be open with these children from the beginning, hence lightening the strain of the Primal Wound in all of us??

Yes, you guessed it. I also believe that we, as first moms, should have some rights, too (of course I do, you say, because I am searching for my son).....but had anyone considered the circumstances of my son's being placed up for adoption? Did the judge that heard me sobbing on the witness stand say to himself, "hey, this young girl seems to be really upset about a decision that she's supposedly made, Perhaps I should ask her some more questions, perhaps I should ask her parents, both of whom are staring at hers with daggers coming out of their eyes, to leave the room and speak with this girl privately"...um, NO. Did the attorney (whom should be dis-barred if he's still alive for being part of something so terribly illegal) say to himself, or anyone else for that matter "this girl doesn't want her son taken away from her, this is morally wrong"...um, NO. But, in the eyes of most of the adoptive parents that have crossed my path on this search for my son, I am a cold, unfit woman that didn't 'want' my child and have no business even looking for a child that 'they' raised, that 'they' loved.....after all, if I had been a 'good mother' to my son then I wouldn't be looking for him, right? So, so, SO wrong. Our love for these children are the very reason they even exist for these people to raise. Had we made another decision after finding out we were pregnant would they have that child to raise?? Some have argued that what I have done (as a first mom) was not a gift. Not a gift?? Really??? Without my gift you'd have no child. But, I digress. Besides, my gift was for my son...not for anyone else. It was for him to have a chance....a chance at a better life than I had...unfortunately his chance just wasn't allowed to be with me.

Over the last eight years since I began my search I have heard from both sides of the adoption issue....some of these children weren't even told they had been adopted and found out by accident while others were told that they had been 'rescued' from mothers that didn't 'want' them. Some were actually lucky enough to have kind, understanding a/parents that told them that they were given up out of love. These adopted children (and I am one of them) and their birth mothers have that gaping, Primal Wound....which appears never to get addressed. As a first mom, I feel it. As an adoptee, I feel it. For those of you unfamiliar, the Primal Wound refers to the fact that we are carried by our first moms; being an actual part of her physical anatomy, as she was ours....her blood flowing through my veins and mine flowing back through hers, sharing her nourishment, her emotions and all the while hearing her voice and feeling her movement...for approximately 40 weeks. She's all that we know. She's as much a part of our biological make-up as we are hers while inside the womb. Then we're born....out into the bright, cold world. Most of us (like me AND my son) were taken from our first moms at birth...never to be reunited in intimacy as mother and child. So, here we are...tiny, helpless infants...the only voice we've known, the woman with whom we shared our biological selves with, the heart beat that we knew and shared for all those weeks...but she's gone. She's left with a sudden removal of someone that was an actual part of her....gone. Connection still present but physically removed. That, my friends, in a nut-shell, is the Primal Wound. This, my friends, should be a subject that anyone looking to adopt and anyone thinking of surrendering their child should have to be counseled in...MANDATORY. To me, it's like a giant hole in my heart that never heals...not even after I had my two AMAZING daughters.

Now, I'd give just about anything I have to be able to switch places with my son's adoptive parents...hell, anyone's adoptive parents....so that they can spend even 10 minutes with the pain and anguish that comes with losing that child...with wondering if they're ok...with wondering if their lives WERE better for the sacrifices we've made. It was for the children, after all, that we're told all this was all for....and that's why the majority of the first moms I know did it...because 'they' told us it was what was 'best' for our babies. So you spend the next decades wondering and worrying about whether what 'they' told us was true....all the while we still have to go on with life...finish school (like I was DETERMINED to do even AFTER the school tried to throw me out for being a 'poor example of moral fiber'), marry (or not), work....life still moves forward whether we hurt for our children or not. This is my life. These were my choices. My choices created a life. A life that was allowed to begin...that, my friends, is something that I shall never, ever regret.

Melanee

Where do I begin???

OK, so I'm an 'adult adoptee' AND a first mom...so I have a familiarity and a definite opinion about BOTH sides of this double-edged sword.

As an adoptee that was lucky enough to know my birth mother, whom was kind enough to share the name of my birth father, I still struggle with the 'Primal Wound'...and as a first mom whom had her son taken away from her at birth by the very people that had insisted that I abort him, only to have him placed into a private adoption, I feel the 'other side' of that 'Wound.'

For the last 6 years or so I have been catching on to the wave of New Science and Biology; I am the proverbial positive thinker. Every thing happens for a reason. Everything is working for my greater good. What we think about, we bring about. I have worked really, really hard to turn my life around. Having come from an adoptive family in which my a/parents told me every day of my life that I was ugly, worthless and so unwanted that even my 'real' parents didn't want me, one can only imagine what kinds of emotional and self-esteem problems I suffered while growing up. I have fought to overcome the darkness of those days and have, thus far, succeeded into the light. However, this little girl still lies inside me that has all this anger and sadness....when she shows herself I will give her a little hug and send her on her way...until she shows herself yet again. I am proud of the battles won and lost in this lifetime...but I am missing something. My daughters and I are all missing something...my son; their brother.

From the time my son was stolen from me in the hospital...and I use the term stolen because I wasn't given a choice. I was 16 years old and had no rights. My a/parents had thrown me out when they found out that I was pregnant and refused to concede to an abortion. Having no place to go, my best friend (whom was the ONLY person that stood by me when it became known that I was pregnant) found a complete stranger to take me in. Without proper nourishment and care and without any doctor's care I ended up in the hospital. Taken to a large city to a bigger hospital, I was taken in by a family friend. He contacted an OB/GYN that my a/mom had worked for and had a close, personal relationship with. This doctor promised to care for me, deliver my baby and arrange for a private adoption. While in his care, this man promised that he would be sure that my son had a wonderful home and that, if I continued to travel to his office each year for my annual exams, he would give me information about my son. My son was due on Valentine's Day, 1983; however, he didn't feel like entering this world until March 1. He was taken from me immediately upon delivery. The bracelet given to me in the delivery room was switched in the recovery room so that, if I managed to get into the nursery, my bracelet wouldn't match his; therefore, not allowing me to see nor hold my own child. The delivering physician physically removed my son from the hospital. I was told by my a/parents that it was NEVER to be spoken of again. It was over. I returned back to their home and was told to rest after a very difficult pregnancy and delivery. The very day I arrived my brother (also adopted, the first after thier b/son had been killed in an accident) and his girlfriend (both seniors in high school) announced that 'they' were pregnant...were keeping the baby and were going to stay there at the house. My a/parents LITERALLY jumped up and down with excitement...."We're going to have a grandbaby, we're going to have a grandbaby...how wonderful, we're so happy" (really. That's what they did) so I asked "What about my son??? You just gave him away?!?!" to which they replied "that kid was a bastard. We don't care what happens to it." The adoption hearing was held a few months later, in a county that was different from the county I resided and also different from the county in which he'd been born. My a/parents and the 'wonderful man' doctor had concocted a story that I was to tell the judge so that my son's father's signature and permission were not needed to finalize the adoption. I was told that if I did not tell this LIE on the stand, to the Judge, that I would be left there, alone, and that they'd never look back. I told this lie; sobbing the entire time. Thus the story of my son's birth. So fast forward 12 months...I return to this 'wonderful man' doctor, whom tells me that they named my son "Colin John" (my Uncle remembers it as Colin James) and that he looks JUST like me and is already a 'spitfire' (as most that know me would describe me...even to this day). This man promises me that, once my son turns 18 and I have a family of my own, that he will 'bring us together'. Each visit over the next 12 years, as I traveled back to his office (even after moving to another state over 1,500 miles away) this man continues to feed me info on my son...he has freckles, just like me, he has brown hair, just like me, brown eyes, just like me....I became pregnant with my eldest daughter in 1995 so I had to find a local OB/GYN. I kept in phone contact with the 'wonderful man' doctor via phone at least once every 12 months. My a/father passed away only a few months before my son's 18th birthday. While in my hometown for the funeral, the 'wonderful man' doctor phoned my family's home to offer his condolences to my family; I took the opportunity to remind him that a few short months later my son would turn 18 and that I couldn't wait to see/meet him. That's when the 'wonderful man' doctor told me that I needed to just 'let it go'..it had all been a lie. Call it karma, as I do, to say that this doctor died only a few months later from complications of emphisema....giving me NO INFORMATION about my son. All those years. All of those lies. So, I ask my a/mom...just not believing that she could have left my son 'go' without knowing 'something' about him...I mean, who could be that cold-hearted, right? Her response to me was "he was a bastard. I didn't care where he went or what happened to him. I never did. I don't know where he is and I don't care to. You need to let this go."

So here I am...8 years after his 18th birthday, searching for a young man that was born from me and is a part of me. Not a day has gone by in his 26 years (almost 27 now) that I did not think about him. I look at my daughters and wonder...do they look like him??? Does he act like them? Did he have the same misfortune I did in getting adopted by parents that didn't really 'want' him? I've contacted the doctor's family...his widow (whom refused to even speak with me), his ex-wife (who is an absolute dream but was divorced from him when I was only a baby), his daughter...no one seems to know anything about my son; where he is, whom adopted him. The only thing that I know for sure is that there's a court house in Beaver, PA, that knows where my son is and whom adopted him...but I have no rights to that information. No one cares what my situation was. No one cares that he was stolen from me...clouded by lie after lie after lie. Adopted illegally due to all of the lies surrounding his adoption. So where do I go from here? I keep searching. I emailed Kinsolving...they can find my son for me....for a rather large sum of money, which I do not have. Another heartbreak. I will promise, as I did to him when the nurse at that big hospital snuck me into the nursery and let me hold my son for 3 minutes against EVERYONE'S orders, I will not stop looking until I've found him. He may not want to have anything to do with me....God only knows what he's been told of the 'woman that gave him away'....if he only knew.