So here I am...Saturday night...football playoff games (Go Colts!!!) yet I have no interest in watching. Can't watch anything, really. Can't read either. Can't really concentrate on anything right now. For almost 27 years I have worried, prayed and thought about this young man (whom I can still clearly envision as I held him in my arms in the hospital)....so why is it SOOOO difficult to wait a couple more days??
The last four days have been very stressing; both from excitement and disappointment. Excitement to finally KNOW that he's still alive and (hopefully) doing well. Disappointment in all of those adults that were in my life, back then, that lied to me....lied about me. Now, whenever I close my eyes for more than a blink, I'm back in that hospital, with that doctor, in that delivery room...like it was only yesterday. Realizing that no matter how hard we try to forgive, to release, to move forward, it's always 'there'..in the back of your mind...waiting to JUMP OUT at you when the moment arrives to trigger all those memories that we thought we had 'put away.'
The lovely person that's helping me with this keeps telling me to 'stay calm'. I know it's difficult for anyone that hasn't lost a child to understand (and yes, it's losing a child) but the anticipation is suffocating. Knowing that I'm so close to finding out who my son is could be as close as tomorrow...how am I supposed to 'calm down?' If someone will explain it to me, I'd be happy to oblige by, at least, trying. Lest we forget all of the RAW emotion that is brought up by all of it. Yes, I'll do my best to 'calm down'....but try not to patronize me, either. My fuse is very, very short right now; very little sleep, trying to eat, upset tummy..and should I tell you about the nightmares that have come when I finally managed to fall asleep??? Yes, I'll do my best.
I know that his name is William and that he prefers to be called "Will." That's more honest information than I've had in just short of 27 years. I'm praying HARD that he's going to want to know us; me, his half-sisters, his family on our side....they are, after all, part of his heritage, too. I'm trying not to let negative thoughts in while trying to avoid being over-confident.
And talk about feeling alone?!?! My God, this is probably the loneliest I've felt since losing my son. This is the burden that I have to carry. Sometimes I just wish that there was someone to hold the other handle of the (proverbial) baggage because, right now, this is a very lonely, secluded road that I'm on....thank goodness I have a bright, white light leading me on my way! There is finally a light at the end of this tunnel....and I am beside myself with anticipation to reach that place where the light emanates from...ladies and gentlemen this is where one chapter of this life ends and another begins. Perhaps after all of this I will feel 'whole' again...that the part of me that has been missing for all these years will slide in to place....and my life will be complete...and those around me will have yet another family to love. Here's to hope!!!