Tuesday, January 12, 2010

HOLY CRAP is all that I can say...

So by now we all know that I could be within only 72 hours of finding my son....my mind is REELING....does he look like my family? Does he have my personality? Do my girls look like him? Will he want to talk to me? If not, will he want to know his half-sisters? OMG, my mind is a whirlwind. Anticipation is crazy; I've waited almost 27 years for this so why does the prospect of waiting 3 more days make me want to jump right out of my skin?!?!? All the memories...all of them...are rushing back...the few precious moments that I saw him in the hospital and was able to hold him; his (already darkening) eyes, his head full of dark, shiny hair, hearing him cry as the doctor removed him from the hospital as they were putting me in the car..... all those emotions...the hearing where they made me lie to the Judge - my panic at the realization that I couldn't stop them.....'they' were taking my son.

All of the first moms that I know, personally, share one common fantasy...that when we finally found our children that they come running to us with open arms; telling us that they've been waiting for us to find them....the proverbial 'happy ending' (as happy as all of this can be anyway). I am fully aware that not all children welcome their first moms into their existence; which, as an adoptee, I just can not understand. I can only imagine how my life would have been different if either birth parent had told me that I WAS wanted by either one of them. But, that's just me. I know how I felt when, the one time I had spoken to my birth father, he said that he 'wouldn't dispute' that he was the 'donor to the other half of my gene pool'......shocked, saddened...and that little girl that keeps popping her head out for some love was crushed. So the question I pose is "Why?" Why don't they want to know about their conception, birth, genetically-related families? Isn't there some sort of
a natural, intellectual curiosity about where they came from, whom they resembled both physically and intellectually and any pertinent health issues that they may pass on to their own children? Have their adoptive parents told them 'stories' about their birth parents that make them want to shun us? Are they angry at us? If so, why??? Doesn't anyone tell them how difficult it is for us to try and find them?? Do they know that we have NO RIGHTS to them, whatsoever?? That some of us didn't 'give them away'??? Hasn't anyone ever told them that it's hell on us to not have our children? Hasn't anyone told them that we have nightmares about terrible things happening to them BECAUSE they were taken away? Don't they need to know that we are told that it's what's "best for the baby" to let them go to strangers...by the same people that told us that we should just 'forget about it'??? Do they know that we were lied to and manipulated and that we have to live with all of this for the rest of our lives???? Do they realize that some of us literally destroyed our bodies by carrying them and delivering them?? Stretch marks from neck-to-knees, mis-shapen breasts, scarring 'down there' from either tearing or episiotomy?? Does anyone tell them that (and I think I speak for the majority of us) not a day goes by that we don't think and worry about them? I know that each and every time I saw a baby, heard a baby cry or even laugh it broke my heart all over again. Now, keeping in mind that we're not allowed to ACT as if we're missing part of our soul...no, now that's just unacceptable. We have to 'go on with our lives and forget all about it." (Really?? I mean, REALLY???) If some adoptive parents really believe that we are these horrible monster-incubators that randomly conceived, bore then left a child then why do some of them feel so threatened when they discover that these 'monsters' are looking for their children? If they've 'saved' these children then there shouldn't be anything to fear, right? Maybe one should carefully choose the stories they tell to their non-biological children so that the possibility of the bereaved first mother finally finding them won't be so scary, huh? As an adoptee, I can speak for only myself, but believe that adoptive parents rarely think of what's best for the child...but we, as first moms, are told that it's all we're allowed to even consider.

Only another first mom can know how difficult it was for me to tell my children about my son. To explain to them that they have a brother out there, somewhere, that they have never seen nor heard about before that moment. To have to answer the questions that follow....see the tears, feel the anxiety about whether or not they'll ever meet the brother that shares their mom. Some of you women, whenever you go into a doctor's office and fill out the health forms, see the question "How many children do you have?" and never, ever even bat a (proverbial) eye at that question, do you? A first mom does. We KNOW that we should answer the question honestly (in my case, "3") BUT we stop and ponder our answer. Why, you ask? Because JUST BECAUSE our children were taken away from us doesn't discount the fact that we carried those children for 40 weeks, nourished them with our bodies, protected them with our bodies, felt them inside of our bodies and heard their little heart beating inside our bodies. No matter how they try to label us, we're still mothers. Lies, stories and manipulation can never change the fact that WE have a biological connection to our children and that, my friends, always, always, ALWAYS makes us a mom.


  1. We are their mothers - you are absolutely right. Sometimes our lost children don't understand that however; and we have to be gentle in letting them know we are now here for them and never going away again. It's not easy...
    Think about your mixed feelings about your own first mother.
    Love you! This is a great blog and I will be reading with anticipation!

  2. Mel, a lot of adoptees in a closed adoption model who were unable to grow up knowing or knowing much about their first parents have had to build walls of protection--or had walls of "protection" built for them. I have very honest, very open APs. Despite that, I did not have a very honest or open adoption agency. I was in a fog for so much of my life. I had questions and all of the thoughts and urges to know my first mother but at the same time, I felt immense shame and guilt for feeling that way. I had no way of knowing if my first mother wanted anything to do with me or not and the unknowns caused emotions I cannot describe. With the way that society spews the sunshine and rainbows of adoption, I felt like a traitor for having a longing towards my original family. So, I stiffled my thoughts and hopes and tried to be the "good adoptee." The one who just "gets over it" and "moves on" even if that isn't how I felt on the inside.

    With the birth of my son, I couldn't do it any more. Although because of agency lies I had always felt like there was no hope of ever meeting her, I decided to start demanding the truth and demanding help. I finally found a way to find my first mom and as you know, I we are reunited. But I can tell you, many adoptees like me are surrounded by a thick fog that's hard to see through. It doesn't mean you're not loved or that you're not wanted. It just means that the adopted person doesn't know how to express their feelings to their first mom or hasn't come to understand their true feelings. Try to keep that in mind and don't take anything that seems negative personally; it's a big process!

    That's my theory anyway.