Thursday, March 1, 2018
The refused to let me see him; the powers that be *my parents and the doctor that would later sell him to the highest bidder in his wealthy circle of friends* but one 3rd shift nurse whom refused to violate Pennsylvania state laws with the risk of losing her nursing license, took me down to see him at 3:00 a.m. in the morning of March 3 - he was almost 2 days old. Because I was weak from being so ill and my body being so stressed, she had to wheel me down to the nursery in a wheelchair. Western Pennsylvania Hospital in Pittsburgh had A LOT of babies in that nursery! As we walked down the hall and passed by the dozens of babies in the nursery, I saw a nurse standing near the door, feeding the baby she held in her arms - I knew, in that instant that he was my son. The nurse wheeling me laughed and said "with all of these babies in here, you think that's yours?" Crying now, I said "Yes. He's mine."
We get to the entry into the nursery and another nurse comes to the door to greet us. My nurse tells the nursery nurse that I'm here to see my son. The greeting nurse enters the closed door into the nursery and speaks to the nurse feeding the baby and, to the shock of the nurse that wheeled me down, the nurse holding my son walks to the doorway and introduces me to my son. Now, the delivering physician had tried to do everything within his power to keep me from meeting and seeing my son - as per my parents request - but laws outweigh adult's instructions, thank God, and I was allowed to hold, kiss and speak to my son, although it was brief, I'll never forget the way he felt, the way he smelled, the way he looked and the noises that he made when I held him...like he knew it was me, too. *I know now that he DID know it was me*
It's been 35 years and not a day has gone by that I don't think of him, wonder about him and send him love. Not a day. You see, I loved my son. I WANTED my son. But, at 16 years old, with a family like I'd had, my choices were to be homeless with a child in Pennsylvania or to not fight and have a place to live. Having BEEN homeless while pregnant, I didn't want to EVER have my son in that situation because of me so I gave in. I sat through the adoption hearing, listening to the lies my parents and the doctor had made up about my not knowing who his father was so that they wouldn't need to find him and fight for consent - sobbing. I could barely utter a word because the sobs wouldn't stop.
Some birth mothers never care about the child after she's given them up *like my birth mother* but I'm not one of those first mothers. I loved my son from the moment I realized that I was pregnant and have not stopped for 35 years.
So, who ever he is, where ever he is, I hope he 'knows' that he WAS loved.....still IS loved and always will BE loved.
Tuesday, February 27, 2018
On the eve of my son's 35th birthday; Whomever you are, where ever you are, son, I love you. Always have. Always will.
Well, here I am. Into the day that I was admitted into the hospital and a little less than 31 hours before my son was born. It's been 35 years. 35 years of wondering. 35 years of worrying. 35 years of wishing I could go back and could change what happened.
Not a day has gone by in the last 35 years that I haven't wondered and worried about my son; did he have the same bad luck that I'd had in being adopted by cruel, hateful, unloving people or had he been luckier than I had been? Looking over the medical records from my stay in that dreadful hospital and reading about his birth transports me back - like time travel. I can see his beautiful little face and his head FULL of dark, shiny, straight hair. His eyes already turning brown. If I close my eyes, I can feel his warmth on my arms as I held him for those brief seconds a lifetime ago.
Adopted children are often told stories of terror about their first mothers and, I'm sure, some of those stories are true, but our story wasn't one of his being 'rescued' from some horrible, irresponsible teenager. Our story was one of love, loss and heartbreak. My entire life all I had wanted was to be loved. When I realized that I was pregnant, I knew that the baby I was carrying would be my chance at FINALLY being loved. He had been created out of love so I knew that he'd BE love. I fought. As hard as I could. But all I could think of was what it was like to be a homeless, pregnant teenager - alone, hungry and cold in the forests of Pennsylvania - and I KNEW that I couldn't allow my unborn child to live that way. Adding that I didn't want those whom had raised me so viciously, heartlessly and without love to be anywhere NEAR him; I wouldn't let them do to him what they had done to me.
I was promised by Dr. Norman E. Scott, my mother's friend and the delivering physician that 'arranged' *a.k.a. sold, according to his first wife* my son's adoption that my son and I would be brought together once my son turned 18 and Dr. Scott kept that charade going until shortly before he died. It was only as he laid dying that he admitted that he had lied to me for over 17 years in telling me that he'd introduce me to my son. Dr. Scott added that he fed me the lies to keep me from 'making any trouble for his *adoptive* parents' because there had been so many violations of Pennsylvania laws in the adoption of my son; ie: they ALL lied on the birth certificate and the adoption papers in telling the authorities that I didn't know whom had fathered my son when they knew full well whom had fathered him - all so that they wouldn't have to locate him and get his consent.
35 years and it still hurts like it was yesterday. My life has never been the same. I have never been the same. I'm blessed with two amazing, intelligent, kind and compassionate,beautiful daughters and a step-son whom I love like he's my own but nothing can replace my first born son. Nothing. The hole will be in my heart until the day I find out he's been loved and cared for through his childhood as he grew up. My daughters can't wait to meet and get to know their big brother.
Another year. My heart and mind say 'maybe this will be the year!' Maybe THIS will be the year? I love you, son. Who ever and where ever you are. Happy 35th birthday from your first mom and your sisters.
Friday, September 22, 2017
With all of the natural disasters, hatred, bigotry and mockery of our *America's* government at the center of human attention, it's been difficult for me to enjoy perusing social media because of the negativity surrounding our daily lives. Lately, I've been tuning into those that claim to be 'awakened' and in the process of ascending to a higher vibration and have noticed something rather troubling. It seems that so many people are fixated on resistance; resistance of our leaders, resistance to hatred, resistant to freedom and also towards varying beliefs in what damage humans have done to our planet and how to correct/fix/end it. This got me thinking and contemplating on what the energy of 'resisting' does, cumulatively, to all we're trying to do.
You are all aware that energy is contagious, right? That, based on quantum physics, the type of energy that is drawn back is based upon the energy that's sent out. Like attracts like, to state it simply. So, if that's scientifically proven, then what are WE, as a whole, sending OUT by 'resisting' or pushing against what we don't want?
Resistance is about believing that we are vulnerable or susceptible to something not wanted and holding a stance of protection - which only holds us in the place of not letting in the Well Being that would be there, otherwise. When we keep thinking constantly about what we don't want then we are in a state of resistance; pushing against something rather than focusing on what we want. It's the equivalent of rowing upstream.
Resistance eventually manifests as illness, poverty, dysfunctional relationships,etc. There are a great many in this world right now whom are pushing against and trying to control the uncontrollable; paying to much attention to the negative outcomes that are created by the vibrations of others. That is resistance.
How do we change/shift our focus to change this? The opposite of resistance is allowing. When we truly begin to understand and grasp the full meaning who we are, knowing that the greater part of us is in the spiritual *energy* and fully connected to Source Energy *where we originated from and to where we will return once this experience is over* we can then begin to release the resistance that we have been carrying along with us in this lifetime.
The key to shifting from resistance to allowing is to focus more on the thing desired and not the lack of it or how it's going to manifest. You've all heard the quote by Mahatma Ghandi: "Be the change you want to see in the world," right? It's actually THAT simple! For example: We want a new car to replace the one falling apart. If we are predominantly thinking about our beautiful new car, then it is steadily making its way to us. However, if we are predominantly thinking about our undependable current car, then we are in a state of resistance and our fabulous new car will be slow in coming to us.
Our emotions are perfect indicators of whether we are in resistance or allowing. Allowing feels good; resistance feels bad.
Imagine the thing desired as already happening and pretend what it would feel like when it's here. Or you can look for things that are already like it in your life and utilize those feelings of gratitude, happiness and love to raise the vibrational signal you're sending out.
The question for our current situation is: Knowing what I know now, how do I function within a society where there is so much resistance? As we focus more and more on allowing, fewer and fewer circumstances of resistance will be drawn to us. We will begin to attract more allowers into our circle of friends and fewer resistors, as we are all mirrors of one another. Surround yourself with like-minded people and allow those whom choose to live in that constant state of resistance *and complaining IS a form of resistance* to drift towards those that are more like themselves; release them with love.
In the meantime, when someone constantly complains of chronic illness, don't sympathize. That puts both of you into the same negative vibration. Instead, speak only of wellness and positive things. Be encouraging...focus on the solution, not on the problem. If they speak of financial lack, do not beat the drum with them; speak only of abundance, change the subject or say nothing at all! If they say that their relationship is terrible then remind them that they have you! If you don't meet resistance with resistance it will dissipate dramatically. It just softens. The next time someone says "You're wrong and I'm right," tell them "You're right! You're absolutely right." And mean it! Don't mock. Don't be sarcastic. "You're right." And then watch them soften right before your eyes; their attitude changes instantly. They suddenly don't have the energy to blat you because you just removed the fuel from the fire. Demanding to be right when the opposer believes that he/she is also right IS resistance.
Focus on the word "allow." Sounds much softer than 'resist,' doesn't it? Notice how your body feels as you focus on each word. Does it feel uncomfortable or rigid in places? Does it feel anxious or jumpy? Does it feel exhausted? Resistance IS exhausting. Gently allow those feelings to drift away.
Anytime you are feeling less than good stop and say "Nothing is more important that that I feel good - I want to find any reason NOW to feel good. Life is supposed to be expansive and fun. My inner Being wants to have fun and so do I!"
Our true power lies in releasing resistance. We will never create a better world if we continue to focus on what's wrong in it. Stop 'resisting' and start creating. Together we CAN create a better world for all living things.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Over the last 14 years, I've changed immensely. I've gone from a person whom hated life, complained about everything and never really experienced joy other than the joy of watching, and being with, my children to someone that FEELS joyful about 90% of the time. Over the past decade I've done A LOT of personal work - focusing on the blessings in life rather than focusing on what wasn't so great and it changed my life dramatically! No longer did I walk around feeling as if there was a black cloud over my head! I no longer believed in 'The Carmella Curse' as so many of my family members did. Nope! I had awakened! I could see beauty EVERYWHERE and actually began to notice it! I no longer wanted to complain about everything that seemed 'wrong' with the world and everyone in it; I preferred to sit and watch the sky, the birds or the butterflies fluttering around the flowers or my kids doing their thing completely unaware that I was gazing at them with love.
Being in a marriage is tough on its own, if you ask me. Try it when one of you evolves and the other remains stagnant, negative and angry...it's even MORE difficult! After my health issues began a little over three years ago, I had a renewed lust for a joyful life. Through multiple emergency room visits and stays in the ICU, I realized that we're only here for a little while. This is my time so I want to ENJOY it. Sure, there are money problems *especially with my health problems and no insurance* but you do what you can do and don't stress about what you can't, right? That's my attitude, anyway. It's the times of trouble that you rely on those closest to you THE most - support, love, strength. It doesn't cost money to laugh, right? Having someone to laugh and be silly with is FAR more valuable than money, in my opinion. But, what happens when the person you're with doesn't grow or evolve? How do you decide when it's time to stop trying and just start over? If there are kids involved, it's even more difficult to make the decision; one one hand, staying together and working things through shows that love endures and is strong enough to survive the hurdles - or - on the other hand, do you stand up and say 'that's enough' because you KNOW that your life will be better not having to expend your energy repelling the constant flow of negative energy from your partner while you wait for their promised 'changes'? Tolerance or self-worth? Which is the better lesson? Just last week, my 13-year-old daughter came to me and said "You know, you're never going to find the 'perfect' husband." My reply to her was that I'm not LOOKING for a 'perfect' husband. All that I ask for is honesty, loyalty, love and respect from someone that WANTS to be a part of a family. Someone that will put us FIRST and be proud of who we are and what we've accomplished. I don't NEED to be rich. I don't NEED perfection. Just a simple life that's joyful and can be shared with someone after my kids go off to live their lives.
So, I ask myself; where did I go wrong? Where did my daughter get the idea that I'm demanding perfection? My husband *her father* is an alcoholic - an addict. If it's not alcohol, it's pot. If it's not pot, it's coke...it's ALWAYS something. Always SOMETHING that will numb him of ANY feelings that he may experience. He promises to 'never do it again' and 'never lie again' but NEVER holds true to his word. EVER. In 14 years, he's lied to me COUNTLESS times. Runs off and gets drunk and lies about it; like I'm too stupid to know. It insults my intelligence. 14 years ago, he was cute, sexy and fun....now he's pathetic, old and his body is starting to show signs of the decades of abuse. I'm not amused by it anymore. I haven't been since our daughter was born. Am I wrong to want to be in an ADULT relationship? Am I the 'bad guy' for wanting a better life for myself and my kids? I feel that I have a right to a happy life and, if that means living alone, than it shall be. I'm not afraid of being alone because I feel as if I HAVE been alone for years now. There's no conversation. There's no planning or talking of the future. There's not even fun family outings anymore because of his anger outbursts and anti-social behavior; he embarrasses us in public.
So, what do you do? How do you KNOW when it's time to throw in the proverbial towel? For me, I guess it's when you threaten to bash my head in with a rock speaker because you're angry over being called out for doing something mindlessly stupid. I just hope that, one day, the kids will understand that you can't force someone to change for YOU, they have to want to change for themselves. Had he only WANTED to become a better man, father and husband rather than promising us that he WOULD and never, ever making an attempt to try.
Friday, February 28, 2014
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him; I wonder if he's happy. I wonder if he's healthy, safe and loved. I wonder if he ever wonders who he came from and if he's anything like his dad and me? I wonder if his subconscious remembers the words that I spoke to him in those precious fleeting moments that I was able to hold him.
Both of my daughters want so desperately to meet their half-brother...because, even though they don't even know him, they love him because he's a part of me and of them.
I can't sleep. The bad dreams always return around the same time every year even though I've worked SO hard on forgiveness and release; I don't want to hold on to the anger, hate and sadness. I don't want to be held hostage by things that I can not change. I want to focus my positive energy on the fact that one day we WILL meet him. We will know what kind of life he's had. We will know. We WILL.
I know that it's been a long, long time since I've been here and I apologize for my absence. It does my soul SO MUCH good to get this stuff out - here, into the Universe - so that I can release it and try to return to the light. This time of year always brings me a constant sense of 'darkness'...as if there's a shadow always hovering over me. It's FILLED with sadness and pain. My heart actually HURTS and feels heavy. The memories come flooding back, uninvited, of everything that I had gone through to get that baby here as safely as possible. The memories of the evil, dishonest doctor, hired by my parents to take my son away and make sure that I 'never' saw him....so many painful memories. So much pain. So much heartache. I remember for YEARS all I wanted to do was die. I didn't want to live but was too afraid to do it myself so I tried other means of self-destruction; lots and LOTS of alcohol and REALLY stupid decisions for many, many years. What changed? I had my eldest daughter. She gave me the will to fight and to overcome. Then, after my second daughter was born I realized that I had to shake the darkness, hatred and sadness that had plagued me since that awful day back in 1983 and I began working to change my life.
Had I been told 10 years ago that I would be genuinely happy in my day-to-day existence I would have called you CRAZY; however, the hard work paid off and I am one of those insanely happy people that annoy most of you. *grins* I look up at the sky as much as possible; I watch the birds, the butterflies and the dragonflies in awe. I look for, therefore see, beauty absolutely everywhere. I do feel blessed to have the life that I have. It's not been perfect by any means but I am surrounded by love. That is something that I never thought I'd experience when I was a child. In fact, it took me a long time to even recognize what love actually WAS. But now, flaws and all, my life is wonderful and SO full of joy. My ONLY wish is that my son were a part of all of it. That he could KNOW how much I loved him. That he could KNOW how much his half-sisters already love him - and they haven't even met them yet. Yes, that tells me that I've raised them right - to love, openly.
To my son, where ever you are, you are loved. You always have been. A part of me was ripped away when they took you from me and I have never, ever been the same person again. I never will be. Changed forever by a loss that can't be described by words. A pain SO deep that, 31 years later, it STILL feels like a fresh wound. I love you. WE love you. All we pray for is that you get a chance to share in that love with us. Be well, my son. Until we meet again. xoxoxoxo
Sunday, December 30, 2012
With a new year often comes the unavoidable question: "What's your New Year's resolution?" For me, the answer is 'none'...I don't make 'resolutions' because they are, more often than not, setting oneself up for disappointment and the feeling of failure. In my life, I make 'life changes'....one year it was to read, and put into practice, the book "A Complaint Free World" which was an AMAZING journey of self-discovery for me; I didn't realize just how much I had complained! The goal, as set forth in the book, is to spend 21 consecutive days without complaining. When you catch yourself complaining *and I did* you then must start ALL over again. It took me over 9 months to spend 21 consecutive days without complaining.....NINE MONTHS!!! I'd make it to 16 days and *WHAM* catch myself making that ONE complaint and have to start all over again. I learned a different mindset and watched as those around me became more cooperative all on their own!
This year, our family is going to make and utilize a "Gratitude Jar"....it was a really cool idea that I had seen on Facebook that had been pinned by someone on Pinterest. It's a jar that, whenever ANYTHING positive happens, you write it down on a slip of paper and place it in the jar. At the end of the week, month, year *whichever you choose* you open the jar and look back at all of the amazing things you had to be grateful for. What an easy way to shift thinking and create a new pathway in your brain so that you will seek the positive in life, huh?
As this year comes to an end, I have chosen to count all of the blessings, big and small, that have come to our family versus looking back at all the not-so-good things that have been brought into our lives. The amazing part is that when I choose to focus on these amazing life changes, everyone around me just seems to follow along with me. Teaching those close to me *and even those not so close* how to focus on love, living with truth and light and gratitude also sends that very same energy out to everyone that THEY know....and so on. I believe that 2013 will be a wonderful year full of love, light, prosperity and joy. How about you?
Saturday, February 25, 2012
This time of year is always especially difficult for me and very often filled with sadness that emanates from a very deep part of my heart and soul.
So, I'm sitting on the floor working on preparing our coffee table for its new paint job and I ask Ari to put Pandora 80's radio on my ipod for me....the VERY first song that came on was "Separate Ways" by *my beloved* Journey. Now you're probably wondering 'what significance does THAT have?' Well, I'll tell you.
When I was in and out of the hospital awaiting the arrival of my beautiful baby boy *whom was due on Valentine's Day but decided to delay his arrival until March 1* Journey had JUST released its new album entitled "Frontiers" and, to those of you who don't know me and my affection for Journey, it would have meant the WORLD to me to have been able to get their new record. *Yes, they were still 'records' back then* On the morning of February 28th, I had some health problems that alarmed my care-taker enough to call the doctor, who had, in-turn, told him to bring me into the office immediately but I refused to leave the house; you see B-93 in Pittsburgh was giving away the new Journey album to callers every hour...I HAD to win. Well, my will power was strong, but not as strong as my caretakers and, within a few minutes, I was forced into the car and off to the doctor's office....and from there I was sent immediately to West Penn Hospital for problems that were life-threatening to both me and my unborn son....so the worst time of my life was about to worsen...the only thing that I had to look forward to was winning that damned record. The song "Separate Ways" was the first release from that album so, in the couple of months leading to my son's birth, it was played and played and played, like most big name new releases, so I heard it multiple times a day and I felt connected to that song, those lyrics and that band.
I remember very little after the birth of my son after the delivery up and until the few precious moments I was able to see him and hold him and explain to him just HOW MUCH he was loved and how sorry I was that he had to leave me but that I would love him for the rest of his life and that, one day, I would come and find him.....when I arrived back at my family's home after being released from the hospital I had to get some things out of my suitcase, which my caretaker had packed for me since I had no time to do so before getting admitted into the hospital, and when I opened it, Journey's new lp "Frontiers" was on the top of my things...a gift from my caretaker. He KNEW how I connected to that music because he had kept me safe, fed, clothed and housed when nobody else would and watched me for months...the connection to that particular album always has the power to transport me back in time to March 1, 1983...the day that my heart was broken and part of it was taken away forever. And as I sit here and type these words on this blog I can FEEL the pain, the sadness and the panic that was present on that day back in 1983 and it seems as real to me now as it was to me back then. Time travel, my friends, is very much real.
So, I send gratitude out to the Universe for allowing me to continue my 'journey' here in this life when it looked like neither of us were going to survive and I thank my Uncle Larry for taking SUCH wonderful care of the little lost girl who was so sad that he wasn't even sure she would 'make it' through all that was ahead of her and for being so thoughtful as to give me one gift that would, forever, allow me the ability to travel through space and time back to a place that's extremely painful but also SO FULL OF LOVE.
To my son: whoever you are, where ever you may be, there has not been one day in the last 29 years that I have not thought of you. Every birthday that you've had, every holiday, every one of your half-sister's birthdays, every big occasion and life-changing events, even the tiny ones, you are 'here' with me...in my heart, where you've always been and always will be. You are not only 'of me' but also carry a piece of my heart with you. I'm pretty sure I know who you are...cause you look SO much like me and your father and we both pray that, one day, you'll allow us in to share with you all the love that we've always felt for you but weren't allowed to give to you ourselves.
So, whenever someone tells you that there's 'no such thing' as time travel you can tell them that you have irrefutable, first-hand knowledge that there IS such a thing. And every single time I hear that song I'm back at my Uncle Larry's house, hanging on to that phone trying to get through to that radio station, with tears streaming down my face and one hand on my belly - touching my son- fighting the impending emergency trip to the doctor because I KNOW what's going to happen once he enters this world...I'm going to lose him and I don't EVER want that to happen. Time travel IS real. I am living proof.
I love you, my amazing, beautiful boy...and hope that this year is the best one for you yet.