On the eve of my son's 35th birthday; Whomever you are, where ever you are, son, I love you. Always have. Always will.

Well, here I am. Into the day that I was admitted into the hospital and a little less than 31 hours before my son was born. It's been 35 years. 35 years of wondering. 35 years of worrying. 35 years of wishing I could go back and could change what happened.

Not a day has gone by in the last 35 years that I haven't wondered and worried about my son; did he have the same bad luck that I'd had in being adopted by cruel, hateful, unloving people or had he been luckier than I had been? Looking over the medical records from my stay in that dreadful hospital and reading about his birth transports me back - like time travel. I can see his beautiful little face and his head FULL of dark, shiny, straight hair. His eyes already turning brown. If I close my eyes, I can feel his warmth on my arms as I held him for those brief seconds a lifetime ago.

Adopted children are often told stories of terror about their first mothers and, I'm sure, some of those stories are true, but our story wasn't one of his being 'rescued' from some horrible, irresponsible teenager. Our story was one of love, loss and heartbreak. My entire life all I had wanted was to be loved. When I realized that I was pregnant, I knew that the baby I was carrying would be my chance at FINALLY being loved. He had been created out of love so I knew that he'd BE love. I fought. As hard as I could. But all I could think of was what it was like to be a homeless, pregnant teenager - alone, hungry and cold in the forests of Pennsylvania - and I KNEW that I couldn't allow my unborn child to live that way. Adding that I didn't want those whom had raised me so viciously, heartlessly and without love to be anywhere NEAR him; I wouldn't let them do to him what they had done to me.

I was promised by Dr. Norman E. Scott, my mother's friend and the delivering physician that 'arranged' *a.k.a. sold, according to his first wife* my son's adoption that my son and I would be brought together once my son turned 18 and Dr. Scott kept that charade going until shortly before he died. It was only as he laid dying that he admitted that he had lied to me for over 17 years in telling me that he'd introduce me to my son. Dr. Scott added that he fed me the lies to keep me from 'making any trouble for his *adoptive* parents' because there had been so many violations of Pennsylvania laws in the adoption of my son; ie: they ALL lied on the birth certificate and the adoption papers in telling the authorities that I didn't know whom had fathered my son when they knew full well whom had fathered him - all so that they wouldn't have to locate him and get his consent.

35 years and it still hurts like it was yesterday. My life has never been the same. I have never been the same. I'm blessed with two amazing, intelligent, kind and compassionate,beautiful daughters and a step-son whom I love like he's my own but nothing can replace my first born son. Nothing. The hole will be in my heart until the day I find out he's been loved and cared for through his childhood as he grew up. My daughters can't wait to meet and get to know their big brother.

Another year. My heart and mind say 'maybe this will be the year!' Maybe THIS will be the year? I love you, son. Who ever and where ever you are. Happy 35th birthday from your first mom and your sisters.

Who am I?

So...here I am again....this time not quite sure where this blog will take me but eager to get this out.

After something that I consider to be wonderful happened in my life last Monday, I received a message from someone that, once I read it, made me feel as if I was about to face another loss. I can't explain the details; but it felt as if my heart was being broken again.

So I'm sitting and trying to see the 'light' in all that surrounds me and who I am and the question enters my mind of who I really am....when I try to define who I think I am, every description is about what I DO rather than who I am. The reality hits me that I have NO IDEA who I REALLY am. I am the first mom looking for her son. I am the Life Coach that helps people change their lives. I am the mother of 2 amazing daughters. I am the wife of a sometimes troubled man. I am the friend of anyone that considers me to be so. I am an advocate of animals, a lover of Mother Earth, a believer that God is an amazing form of true and complete love...and the list goes on. But who AM I? Really?

I am the girl that has no recollection of what my body looked like before it became distorted by a teen-aged pregnancy and spent the majority of her life feeling ashamed of her body because of the damage done by deciding to give birth to a child that I knew would never know me as his mom or know the sacrifices I had made so that he could live. I am the girl that has very few memories of anyone actually acting loving towards me in the family I grew up in. I am the girl whose father would tell her each and every morning just how ugly he thought she was. I am the girl that worries about what's best for others and pushes my own needs aside.

Is THAT who I am? How DO we define ourselves? I know that I have a huge heart that's been broken more times than I care to count; even by some that had no idea that they could even do so. I know that I am smart and strong and capable of ANYTHING that I put my mind to. I know that I am a survivor in that I've survived not only a very un-loving childhood but the loss of my son, whom I loved dearly even though we had not even met yet. I know that I am fiercely protective of anyone that I love because I never felt protected growing up and will never allow anyone or anything that I love EVER feel alone.

Who am I?

I am the mom that loves to laugh with her children because it feels so good to know that I have them to laugh with. I am the person next to you at the red light that's listening to her music very loudly and singing along with it even louder. I am the stranger that will come up to you and tell you how much I love your hair, your clothes, your shoes or your bag and watch your face light up at such a random act of kindness from a complete stranger. I am *still* the comedian that will make you laugh until your cheeks hurt, only now it's genuine and not being done to hide pain. I am the woman in search of her son that was taken away by people that looked me in the eye and told me that I should have never been born.

Who am I?

Do you all ever ponder that question? If so, how do YOU answer yourself? And please know that I am very proud of who I am today; all of those things that I described herein have molded me into the person I am today. A person whom, after many, many decades of self-loathing, love wholly and completely....exactly the way that I am. You see, THAT is my greatest accomplishment in this lifetime thus far. I never, ever dreamed that I would ever be able to look into a mirror without hearing all of those hateful things that 'they' all said about me, of which I was one. So, perhaps I don't know who I really 'am' right now, in this very moment; however, what I DO know is who I am NOT and that's that hateful, sorrow filled, negative, angry little girl. That is accomplishment enough for me.