Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 27, 2018
On the eve of my son's 35th birthday; Whomever you are, where ever you are, son, I love you. Always have. Always will.
Well, here I am. Into the day that I was admitted into the hospital and a little less than 31 hours before my son was born. It's been 35 years. 35 years of wondering. 35 years of worrying. 35 years of wishing I could go back and could change what happened.
Not a day has gone by in the last 35 years that I haven't wondered and worried about my son; did he have the same bad luck that I'd had in being adopted by cruel, hateful, unloving people or had he been luckier than I had been? Looking over the medical records from my stay in that dreadful hospital and reading about his birth transports me back - like time travel. I can see his beautiful little face and his head FULL of dark, shiny, straight hair. His eyes already turning brown. If I close my eyes, I can feel his warmth on my arms as I held him for those brief seconds a lifetime ago.
Adopted children are often told stories of terror about their first mothers and, I'm sure, some of those stories are true, but our story wasn't one of his being 'rescued' from some horrible, irresponsible teenager. Our story was one of love, loss and heartbreak. My entire life all I had wanted was to be loved. When I realized that I was pregnant, I knew that the baby I was carrying would be my chance at FINALLY being loved. He had been created out of love so I knew that he'd BE love. I fought. As hard as I could. But all I could think of was what it was like to be a homeless, pregnant teenager - alone, hungry and cold in the forests of Pennsylvania - and I KNEW that I couldn't allow my unborn child to live that way. Adding that I didn't want those whom had raised me so viciously, heartlessly and without love to be anywhere NEAR him; I wouldn't let them do to him what they had done to me.
I was promised by Dr. Norman E. Scott, my mother's friend and the delivering physician that 'arranged' *a.k.a. sold, according to his first wife* my son's adoption that my son and I would be brought together once my son turned 18 and Dr. Scott kept that charade going until shortly before he died. It was only as he laid dying that he admitted that he had lied to me for over 17 years in telling me that he'd introduce me to my son. Dr. Scott added that he fed me the lies to keep me from 'making any trouble for his *adoptive* parents' because there had been so many violations of Pennsylvania laws in the adoption of my son; ie: they ALL lied on the birth certificate and the adoption papers in telling the authorities that I didn't know whom had fathered my son when they knew full well whom had fathered him - all so that they wouldn't have to locate him and get his consent.
35 years and it still hurts like it was yesterday. My life has never been the same. I have never been the same. I'm blessed with two amazing, intelligent, kind and compassionate,beautiful daughters and a step-son whom I love like he's my own but nothing can replace my first born son. Nothing. The hole will be in my heart until the day I find out he's been loved and cared for through his childhood as he grew up. My daughters can't wait to meet and get to know their big brother.
Another year. My heart and mind say 'maybe this will be the year!' Maybe THIS will be the year? I love you, son. Who ever and where ever you are. Happy 35th birthday from your first mom and your sisters.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
The Universe and my ability to time-travel.....
For those of you whom know me personally, you may remember that my son's birthday is next week; March 1. It'll be 29 years ago, on that date, that I had and lost my son and that I've been searching for him for 11 years now.
This time of year is always especially difficult for me and very often filled with sadness that emanates from a very deep part of my heart and soul.
So, I'm sitting on the floor working on preparing our coffee table for its new paint job and I ask Ari to put Pandora 80's radio on my ipod for me....the VERY first song that came on was "Separate Ways" by *my beloved* Journey. Now you're probably wondering 'what significance does THAT have?' Well, I'll tell you.
When I was in and out of the hospital awaiting the arrival of my beautiful baby boy *whom was due on Valentine's Day but decided to delay his arrival until March 1* Journey had JUST released its new album entitled "Frontiers" and, to those of you who don't know me and my affection for Journey, it would have meant the WORLD to me to have been able to get their new record. *Yes, they were still 'records' back then* On the morning of February 28th, I had some health problems that alarmed my care-taker enough to call the doctor, who had, in-turn, told him to bring me into the office immediately but I refused to leave the house; you see B-93 in Pittsburgh was giving away the new Journey album to callers every hour...I HAD to win. Well, my will power was strong, but not as strong as my caretakers and, within a few minutes, I was forced into the car and off to the doctor's office....and from there I was sent immediately to West Penn Hospital for problems that were life-threatening to both me and my unborn son....so the worst time of my life was about to worsen...the only thing that I had to look forward to was winning that damned record. The song "Separate Ways" was the first release from that album so, in the couple of months leading to my son's birth, it was played and played and played, like most big name new releases, so I heard it multiple times a day and I felt connected to that song, those lyrics and that band.
I remember very little after the birth of my son after the delivery up and until the few precious moments I was able to see him and hold him and explain to him just HOW MUCH he was loved and how sorry I was that he had to leave me but that I would love him for the rest of his life and that, one day, I would come and find him.....when I arrived back at my family's home after being released from the hospital I had to get some things out of my suitcase, which my caretaker had packed for me since I had no time to do so before getting admitted into the hospital, and when I opened it, Journey's new lp "Frontiers" was on the top of my things...a gift from my caretaker. He KNEW how I connected to that music because he had kept me safe, fed, clothed and housed when nobody else would and watched me for months...the connection to that particular album always has the power to transport me back in time to March 1, 1983...the day that my heart was broken and part of it was taken away forever. And as I sit here and type these words on this blog I can FEEL the pain, the sadness and the panic that was present on that day back in 1983 and it seems as real to me now as it was to me back then. Time travel, my friends, is very much real.
So, I send gratitude out to the Universe for allowing me to continue my 'journey' here in this life when it looked like neither of us were going to survive and I thank my Uncle Larry for taking SUCH wonderful care of the little lost girl who was so sad that he wasn't even sure she would 'make it' through all that was ahead of her and for being so thoughtful as to give me one gift that would, forever, allow me the ability to travel through space and time back to a place that's extremely painful but also SO FULL OF LOVE.
To my son: whoever you are, where ever you may be, there has not been one day in the last 29 years that I have not thought of you. Every birthday that you've had, every holiday, every one of your half-sister's birthdays, every big occasion and life-changing events, even the tiny ones, you are 'here' with me...in my heart, where you've always been and always will be. You are not only 'of me' but also carry a piece of my heart with you. I'm pretty sure I know who you are...cause you look SO much like me and your father and we both pray that, one day, you'll allow us in to share with you all the love that we've always felt for you but weren't allowed to give to you ourselves.
So, whenever someone tells you that there's 'no such thing' as time travel you can tell them that you have irrefutable, first-hand knowledge that there IS such a thing. And every single time I hear that song I'm back at my Uncle Larry's house, hanging on to that phone trying to get through to that radio station, with tears streaming down my face and one hand on my belly - touching my son- fighting the impending emergency trip to the doctor because I KNOW what's going to happen once he enters this world...I'm going to lose him and I don't EVER want that to happen. Time travel IS real. I am living proof.
I love you, my amazing, beautiful boy...and hope that this year is the best one for you yet.
This time of year is always especially difficult for me and very often filled with sadness that emanates from a very deep part of my heart and soul.
So, I'm sitting on the floor working on preparing our coffee table for its new paint job and I ask Ari to put Pandora 80's radio on my ipod for me....the VERY first song that came on was "Separate Ways" by *my beloved* Journey. Now you're probably wondering 'what significance does THAT have?' Well, I'll tell you.
When I was in and out of the hospital awaiting the arrival of my beautiful baby boy *whom was due on Valentine's Day but decided to delay his arrival until March 1* Journey had JUST released its new album entitled "Frontiers" and, to those of you who don't know me and my affection for Journey, it would have meant the WORLD to me to have been able to get their new record. *Yes, they were still 'records' back then* On the morning of February 28th, I had some health problems that alarmed my care-taker enough to call the doctor, who had, in-turn, told him to bring me into the office immediately but I refused to leave the house; you see B-93 in Pittsburgh was giving away the new Journey album to callers every hour...I HAD to win. Well, my will power was strong, but not as strong as my caretakers and, within a few minutes, I was forced into the car and off to the doctor's office....and from there I was sent immediately to West Penn Hospital for problems that were life-threatening to both me and my unborn son....so the worst time of my life was about to worsen...the only thing that I had to look forward to was winning that damned record. The song "Separate Ways" was the first release from that album so, in the couple of months leading to my son's birth, it was played and played and played, like most big name new releases, so I heard it multiple times a day and I felt connected to that song, those lyrics and that band.
I remember very little after the birth of my son after the delivery up and until the few precious moments I was able to see him and hold him and explain to him just HOW MUCH he was loved and how sorry I was that he had to leave me but that I would love him for the rest of his life and that, one day, I would come and find him.....when I arrived back at my family's home after being released from the hospital I had to get some things out of my suitcase, which my caretaker had packed for me since I had no time to do so before getting admitted into the hospital, and when I opened it, Journey's new lp "Frontiers" was on the top of my things...a gift from my caretaker. He KNEW how I connected to that music because he had kept me safe, fed, clothed and housed when nobody else would and watched me for months...the connection to that particular album always has the power to transport me back in time to March 1, 1983...the day that my heart was broken and part of it was taken away forever. And as I sit here and type these words on this blog I can FEEL the pain, the sadness and the panic that was present on that day back in 1983 and it seems as real to me now as it was to me back then. Time travel, my friends, is very much real.
So, I send gratitude out to the Universe for allowing me to continue my 'journey' here in this life when it looked like neither of us were going to survive and I thank my Uncle Larry for taking SUCH wonderful care of the little lost girl who was so sad that he wasn't even sure she would 'make it' through all that was ahead of her and for being so thoughtful as to give me one gift that would, forever, allow me the ability to travel through space and time back to a place that's extremely painful but also SO FULL OF LOVE.
To my son: whoever you are, where ever you may be, there has not been one day in the last 29 years that I have not thought of you. Every birthday that you've had, every holiday, every one of your half-sister's birthdays, every big occasion and life-changing events, even the tiny ones, you are 'here' with me...in my heart, where you've always been and always will be. You are not only 'of me' but also carry a piece of my heart with you. I'm pretty sure I know who you are...cause you look SO much like me and your father and we both pray that, one day, you'll allow us in to share with you all the love that we've always felt for you but weren't allowed to give to you ourselves.
So, whenever someone tells you that there's 'no such thing' as time travel you can tell them that you have irrefutable, first-hand knowledge that there IS such a thing. And every single time I hear that song I'm back at my Uncle Larry's house, hanging on to that phone trying to get through to that radio station, with tears streaming down my face and one hand on my belly - touching my son- fighting the impending emergency trip to the doctor because I KNOW what's going to happen once he enters this world...I'm going to lose him and I don't EVER want that to happen. Time travel IS real. I am living proof.
I love you, my amazing, beautiful boy...and hope that this year is the best one for you yet.
Monday, August 1, 2011
A shift in thought and power.
As many of you that know me have seen, over the last few weeks I've battled some unknown illness, tackled old family ghosts and struggled with the search as to why my body just didn't want to get well. Over this past weekend, after finally beginning to feel like 'myself' again I was listening to my audio book version of 'You Can Heal Your Life' which is also read by Louise Hay *giggles in delight* while I was working on the mosaic tile vanity top in our master bathroom. I'm working and working, and listening and listening and in one particular moment it's like all of the 'noise' around me stopped and I heard her....I actually HEARD her. She reminded me that whatever we think becomes our reality. The thoughts that we think and the words we speak BECOME our reality.
Don't get me wrong, it's not the first time I had 'heard' this. In fact, I had 'heard' this concept over and over and over again within the past 7 years or so....but for some reason it MEANT something to me that it had never meant before; a new understanding, if you will.
You see, I had just spent the last few weeks focusing on lack; the lack of good health, the lack of a 'good' and/or 'fair' childhood, the lack of money, the lack of health insurance, the lack of someone at home to take care of me while ill, the lack of...well, you see where I'm going...er, where I was. What happens when you focus on lack *you ask*? More 'lack' will show up......there won't be enough of anything because that's where your focus is. Making sense?
So, my shift began; I have an ABUNDANCE of patience (in that it took me 2 days to complete my mosaic tile top), I have an ABUNDANCE of time (in that I could clean, launder, cook and still have time to play and work on other projects over the weekend), I have an ABUNDANCE of love (in a wonderful husband whom dropped what he was doing to run to Home Depot to buy me more mastic when I ran out AND started dinner when I was running late and 2 adorable, loving children whom even took messages for me while I was working and listening to Louise) and the list goes ON!! It's my own way of coaching myself!
I have even begun setting up my own little 'affirmation bowl' so that every morning I can reach into the bowl and pull out an affirmation that will be my focus for that particular day! I had a lot of fun creating all of those little slips of paper!!
Shifting my thought pattern to only those thoughts of abundance has not only raised my spirit and mood but it has also raised my energy level! It seems so simple, yet is so easily forgotten as old habits reach back up and try to take root....it takes 21 days of repetition to form a new 'habit'...and this is one I'm determined to make. With my 'Am I being kind' bracelet on my arm, my "You Can Heal Your Life" audiobook on my ipod and a paperback copy in my purse I am ready to forge through the next 20 days with nothing but thoughts of abundance, love, prosperity and all that is good right here, right now.
Day one....COMPLETED...victory is mine!!!! <3 and gratitude to all of you!
Don't get me wrong, it's not the first time I had 'heard' this. In fact, I had 'heard' this concept over and over and over again within the past 7 years or so....but for some reason it MEANT something to me that it had never meant before; a new understanding, if you will.
You see, I had just spent the last few weeks focusing on lack; the lack of good health, the lack of a 'good' and/or 'fair' childhood, the lack of money, the lack of health insurance, the lack of someone at home to take care of me while ill, the lack of...well, you see where I'm going...er, where I was. What happens when you focus on lack *you ask*? More 'lack' will show up......there won't be enough of anything because that's where your focus is. Making sense?
So, my shift began; I have an ABUNDANCE of patience (in that it took me 2 days to complete my mosaic tile top), I have an ABUNDANCE of time (in that I could clean, launder, cook and still have time to play and work on other projects over the weekend), I have an ABUNDANCE of love (in a wonderful husband whom dropped what he was doing to run to Home Depot to buy me more mastic when I ran out AND started dinner when I was running late and 2 adorable, loving children whom even took messages for me while I was working and listening to Louise) and the list goes ON!! It's my own way of coaching myself!
I have even begun setting up my own little 'affirmation bowl' so that every morning I can reach into the bowl and pull out an affirmation that will be my focus for that particular day! I had a lot of fun creating all of those little slips of paper!!
Shifting my thought pattern to only those thoughts of abundance has not only raised my spirit and mood but it has also raised my energy level! It seems so simple, yet is so easily forgotten as old habits reach back up and try to take root....it takes 21 days of repetition to form a new 'habit'...and this is one I'm determined to make. With my 'Am I being kind' bracelet on my arm, my "You Can Heal Your Life" audiobook on my ipod and a paperback copy in my purse I am ready to forge through the next 20 days with nothing but thoughts of abundance, love, prosperity and all that is good right here, right now.
Day one....COMPLETED...victory is mine!!!! <3 and gratitude to all of you!
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