Well here I am...another year has passed and I still have no new information on who or where my son is.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him; I wonder if he's happy. I wonder if he's healthy, safe and loved. I wonder if he ever wonders who he came from and if he's anything like his dad and me? I wonder if his subconscious remembers the words that I spoke to him in those precious fleeting moments that I was able to hold him.
Both of my daughters want so desperately to meet their half-brother...because, even though they don't even know him, they love him because he's a part of me and of them.
I can't sleep. The bad dreams always return around the same time every year even though I've worked SO hard on forgiveness and release; I don't want to hold on to the anger, hate and sadness. I don't want to be held hostage by things that I can not change. I want to focus my positive energy on the fact that one day we WILL meet him. We will know what kind of life he's had. We will know. We WILL.
I know that it's been a long, long time since I've been here and I apologize for my absence. It does my soul SO MUCH good to get this stuff out - here, into the Universe - so that I can release it and try to return to the light. This time of year always brings me a constant sense of 'darkness'...as if there's a shadow always hovering over me. It's FILLED with sadness and pain. My heart actually HURTS and feels heavy. The memories come flooding back, uninvited, of everything that I had gone through to get that baby here as safely as possible. The memories of the evil, dishonest doctor, hired by my parents to take my son away and make sure that I 'never' saw him....so many painful memories. So much pain. So much heartache. I remember for YEARS all I wanted to do was die. I didn't want to live but was too afraid to do it myself so I tried other means of self-destruction; lots and LOTS of alcohol and REALLY stupid decisions for many, many years. What changed? I had my eldest daughter. She gave me the will to fight and to overcome. Then, after my second daughter was born I realized that I had to shake the darkness, hatred and sadness that had plagued me since that awful day back in 1983 and I began working to change my life.
Had I been told 10 years ago that I would be genuinely happy in my day-to-day existence I would have called you CRAZY; however, the hard work paid off and I am one of those insanely happy people that annoy most of you. *grins* I look up at the sky as much as possible; I watch the birds, the butterflies and the dragonflies in awe. I look for, therefore see, beauty absolutely everywhere. I do feel blessed to have the life that I have. It's not been perfect by any means but I am surrounded by love. That is something that I never thought I'd experience when I was a child. In fact, it took me a long time to even recognize what love actually WAS. But now, flaws and all, my life is wonderful and SO full of joy. My ONLY wish is that my son were a part of all of it. That he could KNOW how much I loved him. That he could KNOW how much his half-sisters already love him - and they haven't even met them yet. Yes, that tells me that I've raised them right - to love, openly.
To my son, where ever you are, you are loved. You always have been. A part of me was ripped away when they took you from me and I have never, ever been the same person again. I never will be. Changed forever by a loss that can't be described by words. A pain SO deep that, 31 years later, it STILL feels like a fresh wound. I love you. WE love you. All we pray for is that you get a chance to share in that love with us. Be well, my son. Until we meet again. xoxoxoxo