Thursday, October 14, 2010

Frustration and all that it brings back to life...feeling like a failure

So the past few days have been very 'trying' for me....trying to retain my positive attitude, thus bringing good into my future. Trying to motivate my children to take their responsibilities seriously. Trying to live with a consistently negative man. Trying to continue the search for my son. As I's been a very "trying" few days.

It still amazes me how much old emotion remains buried deep within until something triggers the memory and then WHAM! it's back at the surface. I've worked really hard over the last 7 years to let go of the past and look forward to the future while enjoying each and every moment of the present. Why is it that, sometimes, I feel like the whole world is out to push my (proverbial) buttons just to see how far I can be stretched before finally snapping? I believe that what we put forth in this world comes back to us ten-fold. I believe that the more we give out, the more we receive and I try to live every day with that as my primary motivation. I know that in order for us to know what we DO want there has to be some contrast of what we DON'T want so that we can tell the difference, but when is enough enough????

I wrote a letter last night to help out someone whom I barely know but who owns a piece of my heart because of his adoption situation. Writing that letter brought up soooooo many emotions that I thought I had 'dealt with.' I know that what's meant to be will be. I have drawn my son to me over and over again; done the affirmations. Played different scenarios over and over again in my head in preparation of that very special day. Preparing myself as best I can and working hard to stay positive.

I have been unemployed since April of 2008. Our savings is now non-existent. Gone. Used to pay bills and take care of the kids. The holidays are coming. Again, trying to stay positive. I have applied for well over 300 jobs since being unemployed - without success. Ahhhhh, rejected again, and again, and again, and again. Does that little (adopted) girl inside me take the random, anonymous rejection personally? I'm starting to think so. I find myself thinking "what's wrong with me? Why can't I get a job?" The Life Coach in me says that the Universe is aligning things to allow me to become an independent, successful personal life coach; however, the abandoned little girl AND the sad, depressed and angry first mom says "nope, it's ALL you. You don't DESERVE good." So now it's my job to help that little girl and that sad first mom to quiet down and learn to love themselves as life coach Melanee loves herself.......but first I need to figure out how to do that.

No, I don't have 'multiple personality disorder.' No, I'm not 'bi-polar.' I'm just like everyone else out there that's struggling with the state of our lives in this country. I don't want to be a statistic and I believe, with all of my heart, that there IS a very bright light at the end of the tunnel. Hell, I can see it, still. My goal is to put on some really comfortable shoes and make my way through that tunnel until I'm basking in the bright, warm, white light that shines at the other end. I've been walking for a REALLY long time....I just wonder how much further till the end....I'm more than ready.

Love to you all.

1 comment:

  1. Good luck with it, hope it sorts out really soon.