Aren't those the words that we all would like to hear whenever we're faced with a challenge in life? Don't we all just want someone to stand beside us, put their arm around us and tell us that THEY'LL be strong for us once in a while?
Over the last 14 years, I've changed immensely. I've gone from a person whom hated life, complained about everything and never really experienced joy other than the joy of watching, and being with, my children to someone that FEELS joyful about 90% of the time. Over the past decade I've done A LOT of personal work - focusing on the blessings in life rather than focusing on what wasn't so great and it changed my life dramatically! No longer did I walk around feeling as if there was a black cloud over my head! I no longer believed in 'The Carmella Curse' as so many of my family members did. Nope! I had awakened! I could see beauty EVERYWHERE and actually began to notice it! I no longer wanted to complain about everything that seemed 'wrong' with the world and everyone in it; I preferred to sit and watch the sky, the birds or the butterflies fluttering around the flowers or my kids doing their thing completely unaware that I was gazing at them with love.
Being in a marriage is tough on its own, if you ask me. Try it when one of you evolves and the other remains stagnant, negative and angry...it's even MORE difficult! After my health issues began a little over three years ago, I had a renewed lust for a joyful life. Through multiple emergency room visits and stays in the ICU, I realized that we're only here for a little while. This is my time so I want to ENJOY it. Sure, there are money problems *especially with my health problems and no insurance* but you do what you can do and don't stress about what you can't, right? That's my attitude, anyway. It's the times of trouble that you rely on those closest to you THE most - support, love, strength. It doesn't cost money to laugh, right? Having someone to laugh and be silly with is FAR more valuable than money, in my opinion. But, what happens when the person you're with doesn't grow or evolve? How do you decide when it's time to stop trying and just start over? If there are kids involved, it's even more difficult to make the decision; one one hand, staying together and working things through shows that love endures and is strong enough to survive the hurdles - or - on the other hand, do you stand up and say 'that's enough' because you KNOW that your life will be better not having to expend your energy repelling the constant flow of negative energy from your partner while you wait for their promised 'changes'? Tolerance or self-worth? Which is the better lesson? Just last week, my 13-year-old daughter came to me and said "You know, you're never going to find the 'perfect' husband." My reply to her was that I'm not LOOKING for a 'perfect' husband. All that I ask for is honesty, loyalty, love and respect from someone that WANTS to be a part of a family. Someone that will put us FIRST and be proud of who we are and what we've accomplished. I don't NEED to be rich. I don't NEED perfection. Just a simple life that's joyful and can be shared with someone after my kids go off to live their lives.
So, I ask myself; where did I go wrong? Where did my daughter get the idea that I'm demanding perfection? My husband *her father* is an alcoholic - an addict. If it's not alcohol, it's pot. If it's not pot, it's coke...it's ALWAYS something. Always SOMETHING that will numb him of ANY feelings that he may experience. He promises to 'never do it again' and 'never lie again' but NEVER holds true to his word. EVER. In 14 years, he's lied to me COUNTLESS times. Runs off and gets drunk and lies about it; like I'm too stupid to know. It insults my intelligence. 14 years ago, he was cute, sexy and fun....now he's pathetic, old and his body is starting to show signs of the decades of abuse. I'm not amused by it anymore. I haven't been since our daughter was born. Am I wrong to want to be in an ADULT relationship? Am I the 'bad guy' for wanting a better life for myself and my kids? I feel that I have a right to a happy life and, if that means living alone, than it shall be. I'm not afraid of being alone because I feel as if I HAVE been alone for years now. There's no conversation. There's no planning or talking of the future. There's not even fun family outings anymore because of his anger outbursts and anti-social behavior; he embarrasses us in public.
So, what do you do? How do you KNOW when it's time to throw in the proverbial towel? For me, I guess it's when you threaten to bash my head in with a rock speaker because you're angry over being called out for doing something mindlessly stupid. I just hope that, one day, the kids will understand that you can't force someone to change for YOU, they have to want to change for themselves. Had he only WANTED to become a better man, father and husband rather than promising us that he WOULD and never, ever making an attempt to try.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Friday, February 28, 2014
My son's 31st birthday.
Well here I am...another year has passed and I still have no new information on who or where my son is.
31 years.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him; I wonder if he's happy. I wonder if he's healthy, safe and loved. I wonder if he ever wonders who he came from and if he's anything like his dad and me? I wonder if his subconscious remembers the words that I spoke to him in those precious fleeting moments that I was able to hold him.
Both of my daughters want so desperately to meet their half-brother...because, even though they don't even know him, they love him because he's a part of me and of them.
I can't sleep. The bad dreams always return around the same time every year even though I've worked SO hard on forgiveness and release; I don't want to hold on to the anger, hate and sadness. I don't want to be held hostage by things that I can not change. I want to focus my positive energy on the fact that one day we WILL meet him. We will know what kind of life he's had. We will know. We WILL.
I know that it's been a long, long time since I've been here and I apologize for my absence. It does my soul SO MUCH good to get this stuff out - here, into the Universe - so that I can release it and try to return to the light. This time of year always brings me a constant sense of 'darkness'...as if there's a shadow always hovering over me. It's FILLED with sadness and pain. My heart actually HURTS and feels heavy. The memories come flooding back, uninvited, of everything that I had gone through to get that baby here as safely as possible. The memories of the evil, dishonest doctor, hired by my parents to take my son away and make sure that I 'never' saw him....so many painful memories. So much pain. So much heartache. I remember for YEARS all I wanted to do was die. I didn't want to live but was too afraid to do it myself so I tried other means of self-destruction; lots and LOTS of alcohol and REALLY stupid decisions for many, many years. What changed? I had my eldest daughter. She gave me the will to fight and to overcome. Then, after my second daughter was born I realized that I had to shake the darkness, hatred and sadness that had plagued me since that awful day back in 1983 and I began working to change my life.
Had I been told 10 years ago that I would be genuinely happy in my day-to-day existence I would have called you CRAZY; however, the hard work paid off and I am one of those insanely happy people that annoy most of you. *grins* I look up at the sky as much as possible; I watch the birds, the butterflies and the dragonflies in awe. I look for, therefore see, beauty absolutely everywhere. I do feel blessed to have the life that I have. It's not been perfect by any means but I am surrounded by love. That is something that I never thought I'd experience when I was a child. In fact, it took me a long time to even recognize what love actually WAS. But now, flaws and all, my life is wonderful and SO full of joy. My ONLY wish is that my son were a part of all of it. That he could KNOW how much I loved him. That he could KNOW how much his half-sisters already love him - and they haven't even met them yet. Yes, that tells me that I've raised them right - to love, openly.
To my son, where ever you are, you are loved. You always have been. A part of me was ripped away when they took you from me and I have never, ever been the same person again. I never will be. Changed forever by a loss that can't be described by words. A pain SO deep that, 31 years later, it STILL feels like a fresh wound. I love you. WE love you. All we pray for is that you get a chance to share in that love with us. Be well, my son. Until we meet again. xoxoxoxo
31 years.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him; I wonder if he's happy. I wonder if he's healthy, safe and loved. I wonder if he ever wonders who he came from and if he's anything like his dad and me? I wonder if his subconscious remembers the words that I spoke to him in those precious fleeting moments that I was able to hold him.
Both of my daughters want so desperately to meet their half-brother...because, even though they don't even know him, they love him because he's a part of me and of them.
I can't sleep. The bad dreams always return around the same time every year even though I've worked SO hard on forgiveness and release; I don't want to hold on to the anger, hate and sadness. I don't want to be held hostage by things that I can not change. I want to focus my positive energy on the fact that one day we WILL meet him. We will know what kind of life he's had. We will know. We WILL.
I know that it's been a long, long time since I've been here and I apologize for my absence. It does my soul SO MUCH good to get this stuff out - here, into the Universe - so that I can release it and try to return to the light. This time of year always brings me a constant sense of 'darkness'...as if there's a shadow always hovering over me. It's FILLED with sadness and pain. My heart actually HURTS and feels heavy. The memories come flooding back, uninvited, of everything that I had gone through to get that baby here as safely as possible. The memories of the evil, dishonest doctor, hired by my parents to take my son away and make sure that I 'never' saw him....so many painful memories. So much pain. So much heartache. I remember for YEARS all I wanted to do was die. I didn't want to live but was too afraid to do it myself so I tried other means of self-destruction; lots and LOTS of alcohol and REALLY stupid decisions for many, many years. What changed? I had my eldest daughter. She gave me the will to fight and to overcome. Then, after my second daughter was born I realized that I had to shake the darkness, hatred and sadness that had plagued me since that awful day back in 1983 and I began working to change my life.
Had I been told 10 years ago that I would be genuinely happy in my day-to-day existence I would have called you CRAZY; however, the hard work paid off and I am one of those insanely happy people that annoy most of you. *grins* I look up at the sky as much as possible; I watch the birds, the butterflies and the dragonflies in awe. I look for, therefore see, beauty absolutely everywhere. I do feel blessed to have the life that I have. It's not been perfect by any means but I am surrounded by love. That is something that I never thought I'd experience when I was a child. In fact, it took me a long time to even recognize what love actually WAS. But now, flaws and all, my life is wonderful and SO full of joy. My ONLY wish is that my son were a part of all of it. That he could KNOW how much I loved him. That he could KNOW how much his half-sisters already love him - and they haven't even met them yet. Yes, that tells me that I've raised them right - to love, openly.
To my son, where ever you are, you are loved. You always have been. A part of me was ripped away when they took you from me and I have never, ever been the same person again. I never will be. Changed forever by a loss that can't be described by words. A pain SO deep that, 31 years later, it STILL feels like a fresh wound. I love you. WE love you. All we pray for is that you get a chance to share in that love with us. Be well, my son. Until we meet again. xoxoxoxo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
