There are BIG, black clouds blocking my rays of light right now....

WOW!! Two posts in one week!!! I know, right? Well, it's been a hellish month of July and I can't wait to see it come to an end. A proverbial roller coaster of emotion and I'm ready to get OFF now. And now I'm feeling SOOO angry, tired and more than a little defeated right now.

My trip to the ER last night at 11:00 pm was not only frightening, because I wasn't even sure I'd MAKE it there by myself, but also eye-opening. My husband, who won't even bother to read this, couldn't get up to take me because he has to work in the morning....really? REALLY??? I'm angry, disappointed and not quite sure how much longer this 'marriage' will going to last. Even the kids are angry about it; Ari stayed up until I got home at 1:50 am because she was worried about me and had been texting me but, as most of you know, you can't have your cell phones on inside the ER, so when I got home she cried from relief...glad that I was ok. Where was my husband?? Sound asleep.

So...I'm in the ER and, on this trip, the doctor decides to actually TREAT me for my symptoms; they give me a breathing treatment, steroids via an IV and an EKG, amongst the normal blood work, etc. So, after a 2 hour breathing treatment and the steroids, I'm feeling better; well, better than I did when I walked in and couldn't get enough air to even speak ....so the Dr. comes in and says 'Do you know that you're diabetic?'....Me: "WHAT?" Dr: "Your blood sugar is up over 300, and that's a real problem"... Me: "HOLY SHIT!".....so he continues to tell me that my current problem could stem from the Type 2 Diabetes in that it affects the immune system; and my mind starts to run through all that I've had to deal with since February and things begin to make sense health-wise. As I process this information, I become angry. I remember that, before I had my gallbladder removed 2 years ago, the dr. had me monitor my sugar for 2 weeks before the surgery because I was 'borderline' and had to be careful. After the surgery I lost close to 40 pounds; worked on changing my diet and exercising a bit more than I had been. All that work and STILL my sugar's out of control??? Anger again. I not only believe, I KNOW that my body KNOWS how to work properly; years of Biological research has shown that our bodies CAN repair themselves under the right mind set; our cells respond to every thing we think, speak and feel....and I'm speaking, with feeling and thinking that my pancreas KNOWS how to work properly and want to know why it's not. I turn to my guru, Louise Hay, and her 'book of symptoms/dis-eases' and this is what her research says about, first, Diabetes and, second, Respiratory issues:

Probable Cause New thought pattern to cure the dis-ease

Diabetes: Longing for what might have been. This moment is filled with joy. I now
A great need to control. Deep choose to experience the sweetness of
sorrow. No sweetness left. today.

Respiratory: Fear of taking in life fully. I am safe. I love my life.


The 'longing for what might have been' thing is SOOOO true. I have always wondered what my life may have been like had I been adopted by people that had actually WANTED me; although not so much within the last 10 years. I worked SO HARD to forgive, love and release those that had caused the trauma that was my youth. I am really proud of whom I have become; especially in the last decade.

For those of you that have known me since childhood, you can attest that I was always acting happy and joking around; what none of you knew back then was that I was hiding the pain and trauma of growing up in 'that' household and fighting the depression caused by the birth and loss of my son......well, in the last decade I've worked hard and have made so many changes in myself, my life and how I see things and now actually AM that happy, playful person that I used to pretend to be. Well, not inclusive of the present moment. *smiles through tears*

So, I'm angry right now...angry at myself, my body, the Universe.....I live a clean life; don't do drugs, don't smoke and have a glass of Chocovine or a Pink Squirrel no more than a couple of times a month. I don't fill my body with crap *except for my chocolate obsession* and yet, here I am, with high blood sugar??? My husband; whom abused his body for more than half of his life by his excessive usage of alcohol and illegal drugs, although overweight, is healthy. WTF??? Really?? I wish the Universe could answer 'why.' *yes, I'm in the midst of a small pity-party, but, as my favorite Linkin Park song says, I have to feel it and then let it go*

All of the emotional drama and trauma that I went through last week trying to decide what to do about a 'forgotten' piece of my father and mother's estate mixed up in not feeling well for weeks is really taking a toll on me. I'm in this marriage and feel more alone than I ever had when I was single. What's my message in all this? What do I need to learn/change? Ugh.

I thank God for my children; for they are the reason that I live and the real reason that I was born. If not for them I might just give up.....but I can't do that to them. I have to wait for the clouds to dissipate and for my light to once again shine. In the words of my best friend in the world right now 'everything's going to be ok'.....I just pray that it's sooner than later cause this girl is T I R E D.

Thanks for letting me vent. <3 (-<) and $ to all whom dream.