Showing posts with label first mother. Show all posts
Showing posts with label first mother. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 27, 2018
On the eve of my son's 35th birthday; Whomever you are, where ever you are, son, I love you. Always have. Always will.
Well, here I am. Into the day that I was admitted into the hospital and a little less than 31 hours before my son was born. It's been 35 years. 35 years of wondering. 35 years of worrying. 35 years of wishing I could go back and could change what happened.
Not a day has gone by in the last 35 years that I haven't wondered and worried about my son; did he have the same bad luck that I'd had in being adopted by cruel, hateful, unloving people or had he been luckier than I had been? Looking over the medical records from my stay in that dreadful hospital and reading about his birth transports me back - like time travel. I can see his beautiful little face and his head FULL of dark, shiny, straight hair. His eyes already turning brown. If I close my eyes, I can feel his warmth on my arms as I held him for those brief seconds a lifetime ago.
Adopted children are often told stories of terror about their first mothers and, I'm sure, some of those stories are true, but our story wasn't one of his being 'rescued' from some horrible, irresponsible teenager. Our story was one of love, loss and heartbreak. My entire life all I had wanted was to be loved. When I realized that I was pregnant, I knew that the baby I was carrying would be my chance at FINALLY being loved. He had been created out of love so I knew that he'd BE love. I fought. As hard as I could. But all I could think of was what it was like to be a homeless, pregnant teenager - alone, hungry and cold in the forests of Pennsylvania - and I KNEW that I couldn't allow my unborn child to live that way. Adding that I didn't want those whom had raised me so viciously, heartlessly and without love to be anywhere NEAR him; I wouldn't let them do to him what they had done to me.
I was promised by Dr. Norman E. Scott, my mother's friend and the delivering physician that 'arranged' *a.k.a. sold, according to his first wife* my son's adoption that my son and I would be brought together once my son turned 18 and Dr. Scott kept that charade going until shortly before he died. It was only as he laid dying that he admitted that he had lied to me for over 17 years in telling me that he'd introduce me to my son. Dr. Scott added that he fed me the lies to keep me from 'making any trouble for his *adoptive* parents' because there had been so many violations of Pennsylvania laws in the adoption of my son; ie: they ALL lied on the birth certificate and the adoption papers in telling the authorities that I didn't know whom had fathered my son when they knew full well whom had fathered him - all so that they wouldn't have to locate him and get his consent.
35 years and it still hurts like it was yesterday. My life has never been the same. I have never been the same. I'm blessed with two amazing, intelligent, kind and compassionate,beautiful daughters and a step-son whom I love like he's my own but nothing can replace my first born son. Nothing. The hole will be in my heart until the day I find out he's been loved and cared for through his childhood as he grew up. My daughters can't wait to meet and get to know their big brother.
Another year. My heart and mind say 'maybe this will be the year!' Maybe THIS will be the year? I love you, son. Who ever and where ever you are. Happy 35th birthday from your first mom and your sisters.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Who am I?
So...here I am again....this time not quite sure where this blog will take me but eager to get this out.
After something that I consider to be wonderful happened in my life last Monday, I received a message from someone that, once I read it, made me feel as if I was about to face another loss. I can't explain the details; but it felt as if my heart was being broken again.
So I'm sitting and trying to see the 'light' in all that surrounds me and who I am and the question enters my mind of who I really am....when I try to define who I think I am, every description is about what I DO rather than who I am. The reality hits me that I have NO IDEA who I REALLY am. I am the first mom looking for her son. I am the Life Coach that helps people change their lives. I am the mother of 2 amazing daughters. I am the wife of a sometimes troubled man. I am the friend of anyone that considers me to be so. I am an advocate of animals, a lover of Mother Earth, a believer that God is an amazing form of true and complete love...and the list goes on. But who AM I? Really?
I am the girl that has no recollection of what my body looked like before it became distorted by a teen-aged pregnancy and spent the majority of her life feeling ashamed of her body because of the damage done by deciding to give birth to a child that I knew would never know me as his mom or know the sacrifices I had made so that he could live. I am the girl that has very few memories of anyone actually acting loving towards me in the family I grew up in. I am the girl whose father would tell her each and every morning just how ugly he thought she was. I am the girl that worries about what's best for others and pushes my own needs aside.
Is THAT who I am? How DO we define ourselves? I know that I have a huge heart that's been broken more times than I care to count; even by some that had no idea that they could even do so. I know that I am smart and strong and capable of ANYTHING that I put my mind to. I know that I am a survivor in that I've survived not only a very un-loving childhood but the loss of my son, whom I loved dearly even though we had not even met yet. I know that I am fiercely protective of anyone that I love because I never felt protected growing up and will never allow anyone or anything that I love EVER feel alone.
Who am I?
I am the mom that loves to laugh with her children because it feels so good to know that I have them to laugh with. I am the person next to you at the red light that's listening to her music very loudly and singing along with it even louder. I am the stranger that will come up to you and tell you how much I love your hair, your clothes, your shoes or your bag and watch your face light up at such a random act of kindness from a complete stranger. I am *still* the comedian that will make you laugh until your cheeks hurt, only now it's genuine and not being done to hide pain. I am the woman in search of her son that was taken away by people that looked me in the eye and told me that I should have never been born.
Who am I?
Do you all ever ponder that question? If so, how do YOU answer yourself? And please know that I am very proud of who I am today; all of those things that I described herein have molded me into the person I am today. A person whom, after many, many decades of self-loathing, love wholly and completely....exactly the way that I am. You see, THAT is my greatest accomplishment in this lifetime thus far. I never, ever dreamed that I would ever be able to look into a mirror without hearing all of those hateful things that 'they' all said about me, of which I was one. So, perhaps I don't know who I really 'am' right now, in this very moment; however, what I DO know is who I am NOT and that's that hateful, sorrow filled, negative, angry little girl. That is accomplishment enough for me.
After something that I consider to be wonderful happened in my life last Monday, I received a message from someone that, once I read it, made me feel as if I was about to face another loss. I can't explain the details; but it felt as if my heart was being broken again.
So I'm sitting and trying to see the 'light' in all that surrounds me and who I am and the question enters my mind of who I really am....when I try to define who I think I am, every description is about what I DO rather than who I am. The reality hits me that I have NO IDEA who I REALLY am. I am the first mom looking for her son. I am the Life Coach that helps people change their lives. I am the mother of 2 amazing daughters. I am the wife of a sometimes troubled man. I am the friend of anyone that considers me to be so. I am an advocate of animals, a lover of Mother Earth, a believer that God is an amazing form of true and complete love...and the list goes on. But who AM I? Really?
I am the girl that has no recollection of what my body looked like before it became distorted by a teen-aged pregnancy and spent the majority of her life feeling ashamed of her body because of the damage done by deciding to give birth to a child that I knew would never know me as his mom or know the sacrifices I had made so that he could live. I am the girl that has very few memories of anyone actually acting loving towards me in the family I grew up in. I am the girl whose father would tell her each and every morning just how ugly he thought she was. I am the girl that worries about what's best for others and pushes my own needs aside.
Is THAT who I am? How DO we define ourselves? I know that I have a huge heart that's been broken more times than I care to count; even by some that had no idea that they could even do so. I know that I am smart and strong and capable of ANYTHING that I put my mind to. I know that I am a survivor in that I've survived not only a very un-loving childhood but the loss of my son, whom I loved dearly even though we had not even met yet. I know that I am fiercely protective of anyone that I love because I never felt protected growing up and will never allow anyone or anything that I love EVER feel alone.
Who am I?
I am the mom that loves to laugh with her children because it feels so good to know that I have them to laugh with. I am the person next to you at the red light that's listening to her music very loudly and singing along with it even louder. I am the stranger that will come up to you and tell you how much I love your hair, your clothes, your shoes or your bag and watch your face light up at such a random act of kindness from a complete stranger. I am *still* the comedian that will make you laugh until your cheeks hurt, only now it's genuine and not being done to hide pain. I am the woman in search of her son that was taken away by people that looked me in the eye and told me that I should have never been born.
Who am I?
Do you all ever ponder that question? If so, how do YOU answer yourself? And please know that I am very proud of who I am today; all of those things that I described herein have molded me into the person I am today. A person whom, after many, many decades of self-loathing, love wholly and completely....exactly the way that I am. You see, THAT is my greatest accomplishment in this lifetime thus far. I never, ever dreamed that I would ever be able to look into a mirror without hearing all of those hateful things that 'they' all said about me, of which I was one. So, perhaps I don't know who I really 'am' right now, in this very moment; however, what I DO know is who I am NOT and that's that hateful, sorrow filled, negative, angry little girl. That is accomplishment enough for me.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
A new beginning and proof that 'it' really does work!
So, here I sit, on a Tuesday morning, after a surprisingly wonderful nights' sleep amazed that all that 'work' that I've been doing actually worked! We're told that anger, hate, bitterness and all of those nasty, negative feelings can actually eat away at us and cause dis-eases like cancer and that we should work on letting go and forgiveness, right? Well, I'm here to tell you that they're SOOOOO right!
I had an (over) hour-long conversation with my son's bio-father last night; after about 25 minutes of texting back-and-forth first. Let me go backwards here for a second; for those of you whom do not know our 'story'; we are the parents of a son who was lost to adoption almost 29 years ago. His name is Mike, and we had only seen/spoken to one another twice in the last 29 years.
On Monday morning, I turned on my BB and saw a Facebook friend request from him and nearly fell over. My eldest daughter felt that she had to remind me to stay focused on my driving while driving the girls to school; she said that I looked pale. I think I was in shock. I wasn't sure what to expect and wasn't really sure how I felt about it. After all the years that had passed and all of the anger that i had felt towards him.....and then my intuition kicked in and I realized that, with everything else behind us and all of the forgiveness work I had done, we both had one thing still in common; our son.
So, he sent me a FB message asking if our child had ever contacted me......it took me 14 hours to answer him; again, what did he want? Was he angry? Would he heed the warnings not to jump to any conclusions and hamper any chance that we may have of, one day, meeting our son? Once I replied to him, the communication began and I felt so relieved that I felt absolutely no anger, bitterness or fear...only love and compassion. How strange, huh? *in a delightfully pleasant way* My heart breaks for him after he told me that he'd had no other children; he hadn't been blessed like I have been. He even apologized for all that had been done back then. I was not only moved but also happy to know that I'm no longer in this "alone." Now, that's not to say that the Search Angels in my life haven't been wonderfully compassionate and supportive because they have, especially one in-particular *she knows who she is*..but this is different. I, suddenly, don't feel as if my feelings for my son are something I have to keep quiet about until it's 'appropriate'...he feels my pain and loss, just like most of the Angels do...but this is 'our' pain; he knows how I feel.
It's so freeing to know that all of that work that I have done over the last 10 years has actually paid off. I forgive him - I really do. I just hope he can forgive me. I know now that I did everything that I possibly could have to try and keep our son; I was 16 years old and there were a lot of 'them' and only one 'me'....I hope one day we can meet this amazing young man and that he'll be able to forgive both of us.
Thanks for letting me share. Love and light to all of you! <3
I had an (over) hour-long conversation with my son's bio-father last night; after about 25 minutes of texting back-and-forth first. Let me go backwards here for a second; for those of you whom do not know our 'story'; we are the parents of a son who was lost to adoption almost 29 years ago. His name is Mike, and we had only seen/spoken to one another twice in the last 29 years.
On Monday morning, I turned on my BB and saw a Facebook friend request from him and nearly fell over. My eldest daughter felt that she had to remind me to stay focused on my driving while driving the girls to school; she said that I looked pale. I think I was in shock. I wasn't sure what to expect and wasn't really sure how I felt about it. After all the years that had passed and all of the anger that i had felt towards him.....and then my intuition kicked in and I realized that, with everything else behind us and all of the forgiveness work I had done, we both had one thing still in common; our son.
So, he sent me a FB message asking if our child had ever contacted me......it took me 14 hours to answer him; again, what did he want? Was he angry? Would he heed the warnings not to jump to any conclusions and hamper any chance that we may have of, one day, meeting our son? Once I replied to him, the communication began and I felt so relieved that I felt absolutely no anger, bitterness or fear...only love and compassion. How strange, huh? *in a delightfully pleasant way* My heart breaks for him after he told me that he'd had no other children; he hadn't been blessed like I have been. He even apologized for all that had been done back then. I was not only moved but also happy to know that I'm no longer in this "alone." Now, that's not to say that the Search Angels in my life haven't been wonderfully compassionate and supportive because they have, especially one in-particular *she knows who she is*..but this is different. I, suddenly, don't feel as if my feelings for my son are something I have to keep quiet about until it's 'appropriate'...he feels my pain and loss, just like most of the Angels do...but this is 'our' pain; he knows how I feel.
It's so freeing to know that all of that work that I have done over the last 10 years has actually paid off. I forgive him - I really do. I just hope he can forgive me. I know now that I did everything that I possibly could have to try and keep our son; I was 16 years old and there were a lot of 'them' and only one 'me'....I hope one day we can meet this amazing young man and that he'll be able to forgive both of us.
Thanks for letting me share. Love and light to all of you! <3
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
The other side of adoption
So, most of you know that I am not only a first mom looking for her son but also an adoptee searching for her paternal biologic connection. Well, back in February I successfully (with the help of my search angel) found my half-brother; she found a FB profile with a name similar to what I had been told by my first mother and voila! It was him. He acknowledged that he was my bio father's son and we emailed, through FB, several times. Upon asking me for some identifying information (to which I had answered correctly) he asked me for 'some time to digest' what I had just told him. I have not heard from him again.
Now, I did NOT divulge the fact that I had talked to his (our) father back in 1996, while pregnant with my eldest daughter; I had pressured my f/m to get me his contact info as some of the prenatal testing came back questionable and they NEEDED answers and needed them fast. She, apparently, had continued sleeping with this very-married man over the years since my birth and relinquishment and knew just how to find him at his work, as an engineer at Chrysler. I called; got a voice mail and left the following message "Hi, my name is Melanee and I understand that I have questions that only you can answer" and left my number. Within 10 minutes my phone rang; it was him. When I answered the phone he stated "This is Ron Huff'. What can I do to help?" I proceeded to tell him who I was and that I understood that he was the donor to the other half of my gene pool to which he replied "Who's your mother?" and when I told him, his EXACT words were "I'm not going to dispute that. What can I do for you?" I almost fell off the chair! I told him that I needed medical background information due to questionable prenatal testing and he proceeded to give me the information that I needed. When he finished I asked him if we could meet one day...his response was "My wife and children do not know that you exist and I plan to keep it that way. Good bye." And, that was it!
The reason I kept this from my bio-brother was that I didn't want to say anything negative about his (our) father. Didn't help.
So, why am I this big, dark secret? Why don't my bio-half bro and my bio-half sister want to meet me or, at least, communicate with me? Don't THEY have the same intellectual curiosity about me that I have about them?? Do we look alike? Are our personality traits similar? Do they see me as a threat of some sort?
So, the angry part of me wants to find my bio-dad and, when he dies, go after part of the estate as his child. Well! I AM his child!!! He even went so far as to send someone else in for the blood test back in 1966. And, I have the adoption papers stating that, in 1972, when my adoption was finalized, they had notified him and he never even responded. What kind of man does that? And then for my bio mom to keep meeting up with him whenever she could to sleep with him as a mistress??? OMG!! They had had a child (ME!!) together that neither of them were raising...didn't the ever think of that?
Ok, so the not-so-angry part of me would love nothing more than to know my half-siblings and to have my children know their bio relatives. Is that really such a bad thing? Really? As an adult, why should I have to wear this veil of secrecy? Why should I have to remain in the shadows? Don't I have the right to know my family? Why doesn't he (my bio brother) feel the same?
I can understand that he's shocked that his father lied to his family about me...that part I get....but, why wouldn't HE be curious about ME??? I'm guessing that he confronted his father and it was denied yet again; however, I'd be willing to bet that seeing my face would tell him the truth about who supplied the 2nd half of my gene pool...without a doubt.
So, where do I go from here? Knowing that my bio dad doesn't want his 'dirty little secret' to get out just makes me more determined to do just that! I'm 43 years old...I'm not going to be anybody's 'dirty little secret' anymore!
Now, I did NOT divulge the fact that I had talked to his (our) father back in 1996, while pregnant with my eldest daughter; I had pressured my f/m to get me his contact info as some of the prenatal testing came back questionable and they NEEDED answers and needed them fast. She, apparently, had continued sleeping with this very-married man over the years since my birth and relinquishment and knew just how to find him at his work, as an engineer at Chrysler. I called; got a voice mail and left the following message "Hi, my name is Melanee and I understand that I have questions that only you can answer" and left my number. Within 10 minutes my phone rang; it was him. When I answered the phone he stated "This is Ron Huff'. What can I do to help?" I proceeded to tell him who I was and that I understood that he was the donor to the other half of my gene pool to which he replied "Who's your mother?" and when I told him, his EXACT words were "I'm not going to dispute that. What can I do for you?" I almost fell off the chair! I told him that I needed medical background information due to questionable prenatal testing and he proceeded to give me the information that I needed. When he finished I asked him if we could meet one day...his response was "My wife and children do not know that you exist and I plan to keep it that way. Good bye." And, that was it!
The reason I kept this from my bio-brother was that I didn't want to say anything negative about his (our) father. Didn't help.
So, why am I this big, dark secret? Why don't my bio-half bro and my bio-half sister want to meet me or, at least, communicate with me? Don't THEY have the same intellectual curiosity about me that I have about them?? Do we look alike? Are our personality traits similar? Do they see me as a threat of some sort?
So, the angry part of me wants to find my bio-dad and, when he dies, go after part of the estate as his child. Well! I AM his child!!! He even went so far as to send someone else in for the blood test back in 1966. And, I have the adoption papers stating that, in 1972, when my adoption was finalized, they had notified him and he never even responded. What kind of man does that? And then for my bio mom to keep meeting up with him whenever she could to sleep with him as a mistress??? OMG!! They had had a child (ME!!) together that neither of them were raising...didn't the ever think of that?
Ok, so the not-so-angry part of me would love nothing more than to know my half-siblings and to have my children know their bio relatives. Is that really such a bad thing? Really? As an adult, why should I have to wear this veil of secrecy? Why should I have to remain in the shadows? Don't I have the right to know my family? Why doesn't he (my bio brother) feel the same?
I can understand that he's shocked that his father lied to his family about me...that part I get....but, why wouldn't HE be curious about ME??? I'm guessing that he confronted his father and it was denied yet again; however, I'd be willing to bet that seeing my face would tell him the truth about who supplied the 2nd half of my gene pool...without a doubt.
So, where do I go from here? Knowing that my bio dad doesn't want his 'dirty little secret' to get out just makes me more determined to do just that! I'm 43 years old...I'm not going to be anybody's 'dirty little secret' anymore!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Down to the wire!!
So, tomorrow's the day....the reporter emailed confirmation that our story will be hitting the Worcester, Mass. Telegraph Gazette tomorrow! Once he emails us the link, I'll be contacting ALL local media..from Tampa to Key West, Orlando and Miami..anyone that'll hear us. I'm nervous, scared and exhilarated all at the same time. Nervous because I don't know what this sociopath is going to do once he gets wind that I'm the one that caught on to him (Not his "sis"!!!), scared because I'm putting my family 'out there' for another part of the US (to be judged) and exhilarated because I know that we're doing everything within our power to get this man's face plastered all over the media so that he'll be soooo recognizable that he won't be able to hurt anyone ever again!
Today, we sent an email to Governor Charlie Crist. We would like someone to answer as to why this man can pretend to be a 3-star brigadier general (with a fake military ID AND a phony press release announcing his promotion as such), which violates the "Stolen Valor Act of 2005" and no one really cares. Report after report after report to the FBI...nothing. Con after con after con...nothing. So we'll do our part. Let's see if we can make enough noise to finally be heard!!!
The search for my son has grown some more wings.....I have new angels.....and they are just that...angels. My cousin, Faith, has been a wonderful, new addition to this ongoing search. We are all rallying together and working as a team....talking, comparing notes...even though all of my notes have been lost to the computer monster....and he won't give them back! I had, however, emailed some of my search info to Faith...and she was kind enough to keep them....now I have some of that info back. My site, www.findmyson.org, should hit the main stream tomorrow...everyone please, PLEASE pray for site prosperity. Pray that donations will come so that we can allow Kinsolving to find my son....that all of the negativity that's hit my family (even from 'friendly fire') can be put behind us and we can begin the next chapter of our lives.
We're very excited at the prospect of this man getting caught. I'll be sure to post a link to the new newspaper article as soon as I can to the blog.
I want to thank all of you for taking the time to read my blog.....prayers are gratuitously accepted...especially at this moment in time. Good night all....see you tomorrow!!! YIKES!
Today, we sent an email to Governor Charlie Crist. We would like someone to answer as to why this man can pretend to be a 3-star brigadier general (with a fake military ID AND a phony press release announcing his promotion as such), which violates the "Stolen Valor Act of 2005" and no one really cares. Report after report after report to the FBI...nothing. Con after con after con...nothing. So we'll do our part. Let's see if we can make enough noise to finally be heard!!!
The search for my son has grown some more wings.....I have new angels.....and they are just that...angels. My cousin, Faith, has been a wonderful, new addition to this ongoing search. We are all rallying together and working as a team....talking, comparing notes...even though all of my notes have been lost to the computer monster....and he won't give them back! I had, however, emailed some of my search info to Faith...and she was kind enough to keep them....now I have some of that info back. My site, www.findmyson.org, should hit the main stream tomorrow...everyone please, PLEASE pray for site prosperity. Pray that donations will come so that we can allow Kinsolving to find my son....that all of the negativity that's hit my family (even from 'friendly fire') can be put behind us and we can begin the next chapter of our lives.
We're very excited at the prospect of this man getting caught. I'll be sure to post a link to the new newspaper article as soon as I can to the blog.
I want to thank all of you for taking the time to read my blog.....prayers are gratuitously accepted...especially at this moment in time. Good night all....see you tomorrow!!! YIKES!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Thank you all for your suggestions!
First off, I'd like to thank all of you that have taken the time to read my blog and for the suggestions that followed. All suggestions received thus far have all been identical!! You all have suggested that I write to the "Find My Family" show to inquire about search assistance; however, I was one step ahead of you all...LOL...I had already printed out the app from their web site.
So here's the thing about "Find My Family"...their application is geared mostly towards adoptees. Now, there are other questions about whom you would like them to search for: high school sweethearts, military personnel, long-lost relatives, but this questionnaire is basically geared towards adoptees. The questions are about where you were born, whether or not you have a copy of your original birth certificate, what info you have on your b/parents including any non-identifying information....sadly, not one question about finding a son or daughter lost to adoption.
Now, I am painfully aware that there's another side of the adoption rights nightmare and that is those women that choose to hide from their children but, frankly, I choose not to give them anything other than one small paragraph in which to acknowledge that they do exist. You see, I can not blog about something that I have no personal knowledge of and about something that I could never understand. With everything that I went through to give my son the gift of life (and it is a gift if you consider the alternative) I have never, EVER looked at him as something to be ashamed of. It wasn't HIS fault, now was it? He didn't asked to be conceived, he didn't even ask to be born....he didn't have a voice...I was his voice and I wanted him to live. These women, whom I just can not even begin to understand, act as if these children that they carried and delivered are some type of monster that should be kept in hiding....I find that unconscionable. All the pain (phyiscal, emotional and mental) that I endured to allow my son a chance at life was worth every moment that (I pray) he's been alive. I feel that these children (and again, I remind you that I am one) have a right to know, and have access to, their medical 'blueprint.' I also feel that those that adopted them should have some type of mandated pre-adoption training that they, like all students, should be required to "pass" before being enabled to raise these children. Again, there has not been a single day in the last 26 + years that I have not thought and wondered about my son. To be so ill at heart as to not wonder about the child that you fed, nourished and carried within you boggles my mind.
And, I ask you to ponder this question...if we, as first moms, are such terrible, evil, unloving creatures on the planet why, then, are adoption records sealed? Why do you want to keep us, as first parents, such a secret from our biological children? If we were these horrible creatures that forced you to 'rescue' our children, why hide? Why lie to them? Why not be open with these children from the beginning, hence lightening the strain of the Primal Wound in all of us??
Yes, you guessed it. I also believe that we, as first moms, should have some rights, too (of course I do, you say, because I am searching for my son).....but had anyone considered the circumstances of my son's being placed up for adoption? Did the judge that heard me sobbing on the witness stand say to himself, "hey, this young girl seems to be really upset about a decision that she's supposedly made, Perhaps I should ask her some more questions, perhaps I should ask her parents, both of whom are staring at hers with daggers coming out of their eyes, to leave the room and speak with this girl privately"...um, NO. Did the attorney (whom should be dis-barred if he's still alive for being part of something so terribly illegal) say to himself, or anyone else for that matter "this girl doesn't want her son taken away from her, this is morally wrong"...um, NO. But, in the eyes of most of the adoptive parents that have crossed my path on this search for my son, I am a cold, unfit woman that didn't 'want' my child and have no business even looking for a child that 'they' raised, that 'they' loved.....after all, if I had been a 'good mother' to my son then I wouldn't be looking for him, right? So, so, SO wrong. Our love for these children are the very reason they even exist for these people to raise. Had we made another decision after finding out we were pregnant would they have that child to raise?? Some have argued that what I have done (as a first mom) was not a gift. Not a gift?? Really??? Without my gift you'd have no child. But, I digress. Besides, my gift was for my son...not for anyone else. It was for him to have a chance....a chance at a better life than I had...unfortunately his chance just wasn't allowed to be with me.
Over the last eight years since I began my search I have heard from both sides of the adoption issue....some of these children weren't even told they had been adopted and found out by accident while others were told that they had been 'rescued' from mothers that didn't 'want' them. Some were actually lucky enough to have kind, understanding a/parents that told them that they were given up out of love. These adopted children (and I am one of them) and their birth mothers have that gaping, Primal Wound....which appears never to get addressed. As a first mom, I feel it. As an adoptee, I feel it. For those of you unfamiliar, the Primal Wound refers to the fact that we are carried by our first moms; being an actual part of her physical anatomy, as she was ours....her blood flowing through my veins and mine flowing back through hers, sharing her nourishment, her emotions and all the while hearing her voice and feeling her movement...for approximately 40 weeks. She's all that we know. She's as much a part of our biological make-up as we are hers while inside the womb. Then we're born....out into the bright, cold world. Most of us (like me AND my son) were taken from our first moms at birth...never to be reunited in intimacy as mother and child. So, here we are...tiny, helpless infants...the only voice we've known, the woman with whom we shared our biological selves with, the heart beat that we knew and shared for all those weeks...but she's gone. She's left with a sudden removal of someone that was an actual part of her....gone. Connection still present but physically removed. That, my friends, in a nut-shell, is the Primal Wound. This, my friends, should be a subject that anyone looking to adopt and anyone thinking of surrendering their child should have to be counseled in...MANDATORY. To me, it's like a giant hole in my heart that never heals...not even after I had my two AMAZING daughters.
Now, I'd give just about anything I have to be able to switch places with my son's adoptive parents...hell, anyone's adoptive parents....so that they can spend even 10 minutes with the pain and anguish that comes with losing that child...with wondering if they're ok...with wondering if their lives WERE better for the sacrifices we've made. It was for the children, after all, that we're told all this was all for....and that's why the majority of the first moms I know did it...because 'they' told us it was what was 'best' for our babies. So you spend the next decades wondering and worrying about whether what 'they' told us was true....all the while we still have to go on with life...finish school (like I was DETERMINED to do even AFTER the school tried to throw me out for being a 'poor example of moral fiber'), marry (or not), work....life still moves forward whether we hurt for our children or not. This is my life. These were my choices. My choices created a life. A life that was allowed to begin...that, my friends, is something that I shall never, ever regret.
Melanee
So here's the thing about "Find My Family"...their application is geared mostly towards adoptees. Now, there are other questions about whom you would like them to search for: high school sweethearts, military personnel, long-lost relatives, but this questionnaire is basically geared towards adoptees. The questions are about where you were born, whether or not you have a copy of your original birth certificate, what info you have on your b/parents including any non-identifying information....sadly, not one question about finding a son or daughter lost to adoption.
Now, I am painfully aware that there's another side of the adoption rights nightmare and that is those women that choose to hide from their children but, frankly, I choose not to give them anything other than one small paragraph in which to acknowledge that they do exist. You see, I can not blog about something that I have no personal knowledge of and about something that I could never understand. With everything that I went through to give my son the gift of life (and it is a gift if you consider the alternative) I have never, EVER looked at him as something to be ashamed of. It wasn't HIS fault, now was it? He didn't asked to be conceived, he didn't even ask to be born....he didn't have a voice...I was his voice and I wanted him to live. These women, whom I just can not even begin to understand, act as if these children that they carried and delivered are some type of monster that should be kept in hiding....I find that unconscionable. All the pain (phyiscal, emotional and mental) that I endured to allow my son a chance at life was worth every moment that (I pray) he's been alive. I feel that these children (and again, I remind you that I am one) have a right to know, and have access to, their medical 'blueprint.' I also feel that those that adopted them should have some type of mandated pre-adoption training that they, like all students, should be required to "pass" before being enabled to raise these children. Again, there has not been a single day in the last 26 + years that I have not thought and wondered about my son. To be so ill at heart as to not wonder about the child that you fed, nourished and carried within you boggles my mind.
And, I ask you to ponder this question...if we, as first moms, are such terrible, evil, unloving creatures on the planet why, then, are adoption records sealed? Why do you want to keep us, as first parents, such a secret from our biological children? If we were these horrible creatures that forced you to 'rescue' our children, why hide? Why lie to them? Why not be open with these children from the beginning, hence lightening the strain of the Primal Wound in all of us??
Yes, you guessed it. I also believe that we, as first moms, should have some rights, too (of course I do, you say, because I am searching for my son).....but had anyone considered the circumstances of my son's being placed up for adoption? Did the judge that heard me sobbing on the witness stand say to himself, "hey, this young girl seems to be really upset about a decision that she's supposedly made, Perhaps I should ask her some more questions, perhaps I should ask her parents, both of whom are staring at hers with daggers coming out of their eyes, to leave the room and speak with this girl privately"...um, NO. Did the attorney (whom should be dis-barred if he's still alive for being part of something so terribly illegal) say to himself, or anyone else for that matter "this girl doesn't want her son taken away from her, this is morally wrong"...um, NO. But, in the eyes of most of the adoptive parents that have crossed my path on this search for my son, I am a cold, unfit woman that didn't 'want' my child and have no business even looking for a child that 'they' raised, that 'they' loved.....after all, if I had been a 'good mother' to my son then I wouldn't be looking for him, right? So, so, SO wrong. Our love for these children are the very reason they even exist for these people to raise. Had we made another decision after finding out we were pregnant would they have that child to raise?? Some have argued that what I have done (as a first mom) was not a gift. Not a gift?? Really??? Without my gift you'd have no child. But, I digress. Besides, my gift was for my son...not for anyone else. It was for him to have a chance....a chance at a better life than I had...unfortunately his chance just wasn't allowed to be with me.
Over the last eight years since I began my search I have heard from both sides of the adoption issue....some of these children weren't even told they had been adopted and found out by accident while others were told that they had been 'rescued' from mothers that didn't 'want' them. Some were actually lucky enough to have kind, understanding a/parents that told them that they were given up out of love. These adopted children (and I am one of them) and their birth mothers have that gaping, Primal Wound....which appears never to get addressed. As a first mom, I feel it. As an adoptee, I feel it. For those of you unfamiliar, the Primal Wound refers to the fact that we are carried by our first moms; being an actual part of her physical anatomy, as she was ours....her blood flowing through my veins and mine flowing back through hers, sharing her nourishment, her emotions and all the while hearing her voice and feeling her movement...for approximately 40 weeks. She's all that we know. She's as much a part of our biological make-up as we are hers while inside the womb. Then we're born....out into the bright, cold world. Most of us (like me AND my son) were taken from our first moms at birth...never to be reunited in intimacy as mother and child. So, here we are...tiny, helpless infants...the only voice we've known, the woman with whom we shared our biological selves with, the heart beat that we knew and shared for all those weeks...but she's gone. She's left with a sudden removal of someone that was an actual part of her....gone. Connection still present but physically removed. That, my friends, in a nut-shell, is the Primal Wound. This, my friends, should be a subject that anyone looking to adopt and anyone thinking of surrendering their child should have to be counseled in...MANDATORY. To me, it's like a giant hole in my heart that never heals...not even after I had my two AMAZING daughters.
Now, I'd give just about anything I have to be able to switch places with my son's adoptive parents...hell, anyone's adoptive parents....so that they can spend even 10 minutes with the pain and anguish that comes with losing that child...with wondering if they're ok...with wondering if their lives WERE better for the sacrifices we've made. It was for the children, after all, that we're told all this was all for....and that's why the majority of the first moms I know did it...because 'they' told us it was what was 'best' for our babies. So you spend the next decades wondering and worrying about whether what 'they' told us was true....all the while we still have to go on with life...finish school (like I was DETERMINED to do even AFTER the school tried to throw me out for being a 'poor example of moral fiber'), marry (or not), work....life still moves forward whether we hurt for our children or not. This is my life. These were my choices. My choices created a life. A life that was allowed to begin...that, my friends, is something that I shall never, ever regret.
Melanee
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